Sirius' Serious Squirrel Secret
by NorthChild97
Summary: Charming, rebellious, and Hogwart's No.1 heartthrob: a reputation Sirius Black has cherished since First Year is about to be challengened after his mortal enemy discovers his most prized secret. FULL SUMMARY INSIDE.  MUCH BETTER THAN IT SOUNDS!
1. ScaredyCat Black

**Sirius' Serious Squirrel Secret**

**Summary: **Charming, courageous, athletic, rebellious, and Hogwart's number one heartthrob: a reputation Sirius Black has cherished since First Year. Unfortunately for Sirius, his worst enemy overhears the one little secret that could ruin his reputation in an instant. The Marauders have to stop their enemy before the secret can spread through Hogwarts. If they fail, the perfect life as Sirius knows it will end.

**I DO NOT OWN HP, blah blah blah ;-)**

"Ow!"

The yell rang through Hogwarts' halls, breaking the silence of night. A few portraits along the walls stirred at the sound, but could not see from where it came.

"Sirius, be quiet or someone will hear," James muttered from beneath the invisibility cloak.

Sirius was furious. "But you stepped on my foot, you dolt!"

James rolled his eyes. "Sorry, but really, stop shouting. Do you want Filch to catch us?"

"That hurt. What do you expect me to do? Hug you? Anyways, I'm not scared of some cranky old geezer."

"Just come on," James said, starting to walk again. "We're nearly to the kitchens."

"Good. I'm starving." Sirius' stomach growled as if in agreement.

James laughed. "You're always starving."

"Am not!"

"Are too."

A second later, a shot of pain coursed through James' foot. He fell to the ground, slipping out from underneath his invisibility cloak. A resident of a portrait nearby woke. Grumpily, the stout witch reprimanded him for sneaking around the school at night and "disturbing the old folks, you little scoundrel."

James ignored her and hissed, "What did you do that for?"

Sirius pulled the cloak off of his head so James could see him. "Now look who needs to be quiet." He grinned evilly, not at all sorry for what he'd done, before hiding under the cloak again.

James scowled at the empty air Sirius' head had occupied a second earlier. He started to get up, but suddenly froze in place. "What was that?"

"What was what?"

"I heard something down the hall." James stood and felt around until his fingers brushed the cloak. He dug into the fabric and yanked it off of Sirius. "Go check it out."

"You call yourself a Gryffindor?" James gave him a warning look, one that said bad things would happen if Sirius didn't do what he said. Sirius sighed and slouched off. "Fine. I'm going, I'm going."

James watched Sirius go around the corner, and an ear-splitting scream cut the quiet night air for the second time. James ran around the corner, expecting to see a terrified First Year girl, but there was only Sirius, staring at a small squirrel about in the middle of the hall.

"Was that you?" James asked.

"No!" Sirius snapped back, his eyes not leaving the squirrel.

"So, it was the squirrel?"

"Er... maybe…."

A smirk began to fight its way onto James' face. "Are you afraid of that squirrel?"

Slowly, Sirius forced his rigid body to relax. "Of course not," he insisted tersely. He tore his wide eyes away from the squirrel and attempted to fake calm, but James had known his friend for too long to not notice.

"Ha! You are!" James shook his head in amazement. "After all the years I've known you, I would've never guessed. Invincible Sirius Black, who plays Quidditch almost as well as I and never runs away from a good fight with a Slytherin, is afraid of squirrels. AND you scream like a girl."

Sirius clenched his fists. "Are you calling me a girl, Prongs?" he snarled in his most menacing voice.

"It's getting closer," James teased.

"JAMES, KILL IT!" Sirius covered his eyes before he could see that James had been lying. He abandoned all pretense of calm.

James folded his arms. "Why should I kill an innocent squirrel for you?"

"Innocent! HA! Just look at the thing! Don't you see that evil glint in his eye?" Sirius pointed a shaking finger at the furry little creature, a maniacal glint in his own eye. The animal, however, was angelic in the pale moonlight. Its fur glowed silver, and its tiny black eyes glistened, completely devoid of an evil spark. It was adorable enough to make even McGonagall swoon.

James resisted the urge to cuddle the little creature. There were more important, manly things that needed to be done, like making sure Sirius didn't get them both detention. "Will you shut up?" he said impatiently. "Someone's going to hear you. Let's just go."

"No! You have to kill it! It'll bother me knowing that that beast is roaming the castle!"

James cocked an eyebrow. "Since when are squirrels beasts?"

Sirius took a deep breath. "Okay… it all started when –"

"Oh boy, here we go…." James rolled his eyes.

Sirius ignored him and continued, taking on a dramatic, theatrical tone, "One summer day, long ago, I took a nap under the old oak tree at my family's house. The sun warmed the air, and a slight breeze ruffled my stunning hair." Suddenly, he stopped to rub his locks. He closed his eyes with a happy sigh.

Fighting back a laugh, James snapped Sirius out of his reverie with a hard poke. "What?" Sirius questioned, sulky from being interrupted.

"Uh... the story?"

"Oh, yeah." He took a moment to remember the details. "Well, like I said I was sleeping, completely oblivious to my surroundings. I can even recall still what I was dreaming." He chuckled. "I had detonated dungbombs in all of Regulus' toys and was watching him cry, when suddenly I was on the floor. He was jumping on top of my chest… chattering."

"You mean he was talking?"

Sirius rolled his eyes. "No, James," he said exasperatedly. "He was chattering. There's a difference. It was then that I woke up... and.…" It almost seemed to James that Sirius began to hyperventilate. After having some time to calm down, Sirius continued reluctantly, "I saw... a squirrel sitting on my chest, covered in matted, brown hair and with the darkest, coldest eyes you've ever seen!" Sirius closed his eyes and shook his head to rid the image from his mind. "Its nose twitched only three inches from my own. In an instant, I jumped to my feet and threw the thing off of me. It charged towards me as soon as it hit the ground. Still in shock, I didn't move fast enough. Before I knew what was happening, it leapt onto my shoe and slipped into the leg of my trousers. The sharp claws dug into my skin. I can still remember the pain from its climb up my leg." Sirius winced. "I ran in circles, trying to kick the squirrel out, but nothing worked. I eventually tripped on a tree root and fell. The squirrel immediately ran out of my trousers. I rolled over on the ground, relieved that the nightmare was over, but then, an acorn hit me square in the forehead. Another squirrel sat in the oak's branches above my head, mocking me. I dashed straight to the backdoor, not wasting a second to get to safety!"

James simply stared, his mouth agape. He was flabbergasted. Sirius assumed it meant he had finally convinced his friend how dangerous squirrels could be.

"It was going to attack me like the first one did! I'm sure of it. Probably would've taken my nose if it could." Sirius touched his nose with his fingertips, no doubt imagining what a face without a nose would look like. A wizard without a nose could frighten an entire country from even mentioning his name.

James did not reply. Instead, he unexpectedly collapsed on the floor laughing.

The Black Marauder couldn't believe his eyes. "What are you laughing for? I'm telling you, that squirrel was about to lunge for my face!"

Amid gasps of laughter, James managed to ask sarcastically, "You really think a squirrel would do that?"

"The first one mauled my leg, didn't it? I still have the scars to prove it! Who knows what else a squirrel is capable of, James?" Pointing to the poor little squirrel on the ground in front of them again, he added, "Have you ever met a squirrel? They could all be rabid, for all you know. They're just waiting for the chance at fresh meat!"

"Fresh meat?" James rolled on the ground, holding his stomach.

"I bet that one has the same plans." Sirius glared suspiciously at the animal. Its nose twitched. Sirius stumbled backwards, almost tripping over James' writhing form.

James was turning blue in the face from a lack of oxygen. "Yes, it's on the hunt for blood! Ha!"

Diverting his attention from the squirrel, Sirius snapped, "Hey! Don't mock me!"

Suddenly, a serious expression swept onto James' face. He stood up from the ground. "Hay is for horses, Sirius."

Sirius rolled his eyes. Obviously, James was not to be convinced.

"Cute story, Black," said a familiar voice from behind the boys.


	2. The Spy and the TicTacToe

**Sirius' Serious Squirrel Secret**

**Summary: **Charming, courageous, athletic, rebellious, and Hogwart's number one heartthrob: a reputation Sirius Black has cherished since First Year. Unfortunately for Sirius, his worst enemy overhears the one little secret that could ruin his reputation in an instant. The Marauders have to stop their enemy before the secret can spread through Hogwarts. If they fail, the perfect life as Sirius knows it will end.

**I DO NOT OWN HP, blah blah blah ;-)**

**Chapter 2 – The Spy and the Tic-Tac-Toe**

James and Sirius craned their necks around at the voice and instantly regretted it.

"Whiplash?" Severus Snape jeered as James and Sirius rubbed their aching necks and stared at the infamously detested enemy of the Marauders.

"How long have you been standing there, Snivellus?" Sirius spat out through clenched teeth.

"Long enough," Snape replied calmly. "The whole school will soon know your embarrassing secret. Really, scared of a squirrel, Black? Pitiful." He grinned wickedly.

Sirius began to twitch and growl convulsively, subconsciously imitating his animagus form.

"Calm down, Sirius," James said, holding out a hand against Sirius' chest.

It was too late to restrain him. Shrieking, Sirius tackled Snape. Punches flew. Within moments, Snape lay hog-tied on the floor, bruised and with a bleeding nose. Sirius stood over him, heaving great breaths.

"Where'd you get the rope?" James asked in amazement.

"I have my devices," said Sirius murderously.

James lifted an eyebrow, but chose not to push the subject. Instead, he asked, "Well, now what do we do?"

The predator hungrily eyed his prey. "We kill him."

"Why are you so hooked on killing things?"

"It's the only way, James!" Sirius shouted, turning on him.

"Or you could just let me go," Snape suggested from the ground, giving up on wrestling his way out of the tight rope. Both marauders ignored him.

"I hate him, too, but killing him is harsh. Besides, we'd get more than expulsion if we got caught. We're talking Azkaban," James warned. Sirius shuddered at the mention of the wizard prison.

James tapped his chin in thought and suggested, "We could wipe his mind."

"Fine," Sirius muttered once he finally saw reason. "Go on and erase it then."

James shuffled his feet nervously. "I don't know how."

"Oh, I remember that day in Charms!" Sirius yelled excitedly. "We were playing Tic-Tac-Toe!"

"Right! I still have that scar."

"You do? Let me see! Let me see!" begged Sirius.

Snape rolled his eyes as James pulled his sleeve up far enough for Sirius to gaze upon the legendary Tic-Tac-Toe scar.

"How does someone get a _scar_ from Tic-Tac-Toe?" Snape scorned. "How pea-brained do you have to be?" He promptly received a sharp kick in the ankles for reply.

"Why would you care, Snivellus?" Sirius growled.

James patted his friend on the shoulder. "The git has a right to ask. It's only natural to be curious about this sort of thing." He winked at Snape. "Besides, I wouldn't mind telling the story again."

Shrugging, Sirius sat down next to the captive to hear the story he knew so well. James joined him, pulling out his wand and idly beginning to poke Snape in the face.

"We were playing Tic-Tac-Toe during one particularly boring Charms class. We had just finished a game and I was rather sleepy because the night before was–" James suddenly stopped and glanced at Snape. "Anyway, I wasn't paying much attention. So, I declared the game a tie." Sirius' arm shot into the air, waving wildly. "Err... yes?"

"But I told you I won, right? Right?" Sirius smiled as if he had just managed to actually answer one of Professor Slughorn's questions.

James stared oddly at his friend before answering. "Yes… yes, you did tell me that. But like I said, I wasn't paying attention. You said, 'What? No, James, I won!' By this time I was about to fall asleep right there in the class. So you repeated it, saying, 'I won! I won!' until the entire class heard you. Well, except for me that is." James pulled at his collar. "I had finally dozed off and was too tired to wake back up when Sirius started yelling. That's when it happened," he ended dramatically. Sirius nodded fervently, his eyes lighting up with excitement.

"When _what_ happened, Potter?" spat Snape, frustrated.

Out of the blue, his hair morphed to a bright shade of green with silver highlights. Still prodding Snape's nose with his wand, James had accidentally created sparks at Snape's irritated voice. The boy who had earlier been bent on murdering Snape giggled.

"Oopsies... sorry about that, little Snapey-poo," James followed up in a high-pitch, feminine voice. "But, you know, green really does suit you. I guess that's the reason you're in Slytherin, huh? 'Cause you aren't all that cunning like the Sorting Hat sings about. That's how Sirius managed to tie you up so easily." Snape snarled menacingly, but James continued. "And there's no way you're evil like the rest of 'em. You're just a poor little girl who needs her mum."

"And maybe a cookie, too." Sirius smiled toothily, pleased with his joke. Snape bared his own yellow, crooked teeth in return. "Ugh!" Sirius yelled and coiled back in disgust. The repulsive teeth curled into a venomous smile.

"Go on, Potter," said Snape.

"There are charms for teeth like yours, you know," Sirius interrupted. "Even if you can't fix them, it'd be better to have no teeth than those teeth."

"Potter!"

"Oh yes, well, let's see... where was I?" James tapped his chin as he thought, forgetting about where he was pointing his wand.

"Ack! You nearly gouged my eye out, you dolt!" Snape shouted.

"Hush up there! You'll bring a teacher running, screaming like that, and then things will really get bad for you. Imagine getting caught out of bed past curfew, with two well-known troublemakers, and tied-up on the floor to boot. Think of the embarrassment. It'd cost you fifty points at the least. Anyways, I can't think with all that yelling." With a quick mutter and a flick of his wand, James muffled Snape's voice to a quiet grumble.

"I remember now! I was about to tell you how I got my scar!" James rubbed his hands together in anticipation. "So, Sirius had gotten quite… _irate_… since I still had not sworn defeat and acknowledged his almighty Tic-Tac-Toe greatness. Finally, he raised his quill high into the air and, screaming, 'I WON!' brought the quill down in a magnificent arc right onto my arm."

James imitated how he had been attacked, exaggerating just a bit. "The sharp tip cut through my school robes to my very skin... where it engraved a three-inch slash!" James raised his arms above his head for dramatic effect. Snape did not appear impressed. Letting his arms drop back to his sides, James finished, "And that's how you get a scar from Tic-Tac-Toe."

Sirius began to clap passionately. "Bravo! Bravo! Excellent re-enactment, James! Amazing! Spectacular! Five stars! Two thumbs up! Extraord-"

"Okay, I get it, Sirius. I did good," James interrupted.

"Correction: You did _very_ good."

"_Well_. He did _well_," grumbled Snape under his breath. He hated grammatical errors.

"Hmm.… What will we do with this slime ball?" James pointed his wand once again at the captive's face.

"I stand by what I said," Sirius snarled, all previous cheerfulness gone. "If we can't erase his memory, then we need to _dispose_ of him. He still knows my secret. We have to get rid of him before he tells someone. Things like that get spread rather quickly around this school. I refuse to allow this git to destroy all that I've worked for in the past years. I can't afford for him to ruin my reputation!"

Sirius was serious. If he lost his reputation of 'Bad boy' Black, the hysterical, prank genius Marauder, then his life would be utterly ruined for sure. None of the girls would want to snog him anymore. None of the Slytherins would ever dread him again. None of his fellow classmates would even respect him. No, something had to be done with Severus Snape before his phobia could get out. Of that, he was sure.


	3. Sweet Chocolate Pudding

**Sirius' Serious Squirrel Secret**

**Summary: **Charming, courageous, athletic, rebellious, and Hogwart's number one heartthrob: a reputation Sirius Black has cherished since First Year. Unfortunately for Sirius, his worst enemy overhears the one little secret that could ruin his reputation in an instant. The Marauders have to stop their enemy before the secret can spread through Hogwarts. If they fail, the perfect life as Sirius knows it will end.

**I DO NOT OWN HP, blah blah blah ;-)**

**Chapter 3 – Sweet Chocolate Pudding**

"Finally!" Sirius exclaimed. "I'm exhausted."

"I know. It's about time we made it," James said.

The two viewed a large painting of fruit stacked in a silver bowl. James stepped forward and tickled the green pear. He grabbed the door handle the pear soon created and pulled open the painting to reveal the Hogwarts kitchens.

Aromas from a hundred different savoury dishes floated in the air. James and Sirius both grinned, delighted to reach their destination. Snape, on the other hand, did not feel as happy about being dragged (quite literally) down two flights of stairs and several long hallways to visit the house elves.

Unable to come to an agreement of how to deal with Snape, James and Sirius had decided to take the captive with them on their trip for a late-night snack. They left him roped and tied to reduce the risk of an escape. Neither could remember the hover charm, however, and felt too proud to ask Snape for help. Instead, he sustained numerous bruises and an injured knee while they hauled him to the kitchens. The two Marauders stepped through the opening behind the painting with Snape in tow.

"Good evening, masters," someone said from below them. James and Sirius looked down to see Fert the house elf walking by with a huge serving bowl filled to the brim with rich, chocolate pudding. The other elves were either cleaning around the school or sleeping since the rest of the room was vacant. "What would you like tonight, young sirs?" Fert asked politely.

"PUDDING!" James and Sirius yelled. The two quickly threw Snape aside and dived on poor Fert and his batch of pudding. Seizing the bowl, they dug into it with their fingers, too ravenous from their trip to bother asking for spoons.

Fert readily gave the desert up, pleased to be of service. Trotting over to where the hog-tied Slytherin lay, he asked, "Would young master Snape like anything?"

"The prisoner doesn't get any food," James said through a mouthful of thick chocolate.

Sirius nodded in agreement. "I second that motion."

"Well, I third it," James added unnecessarily.

"Oh, so that's how this is going down!" Sirius grabbed another handful of pudding. "I fourth it. Ha!" He threw the handful towards James.

"Watch it!" he yelled too late. Gooey dessert splattered the front of James' robes.

Both boys stared at the mess in shock. "Oops," Sirius said.

James glared at him. Without a word, he dipped his fingers into the pudding. James scooped some up and, before Sirius could react, flung it in his face. Within moments, the food fight grew to full force. The two ran and ducked around the kitchen, chucking pudding in every direction and splattering the surrounding room more than each other.

As James and Sirius kept this up, Snape decided it was time he left.

"Come here, elf," Snape whispered to Fert, "Untie me."

Poor Fert, being a good house elf, obeyed the command and quickly undid the knots holding Snape. He shoved a few cream cakes into his hands and sent Snape off with a hearty invitation to come back whenever he wished.

James and Sirius finished off the entire bowl after a good half-hour of fighting and eating without noticing Snape's sudden disappearance. "I eighty-sixth it!" Sirius proclaimed after licking clean his fingers.

Fert handed each a large towel to clean themselves up and picked up the empty serving bowl. "Good night, young masters," he said. "I hope you enjoyed my special recipe."

Sirius patted his stomach blissfully. "That went further than enjoyment."

With a wide smile showing rotting, orange teeth worse than Snape's, Fert walked away. James hoped he would be making more special recipes. Quietly chuckling, he turned around where their captive _should_ have been sitting. Only a small pile of ropes still lay there, blending into the stone tiles.

James' eyes expanded to the size of dinner plates. Under normal circumstances, this would be near impossible to accomplish, but under those circumstances of immense shock, James managed it easily. He slowly reached behind him to where Sirius still savored the flavor of chocolate on his tongue and grabbed his shoulder. Yanking him around, James pointed to the practically empty corner.

Instead of being on the verge of panic, Sirius calmly looked at the spot. James stared at him in amazement. Noticing that his friend was staring at him as if he was a new breed of Muggle with polka-dotted feathers, Sirius stared back.

He cocked an eyebrow. "You know, you've got pudding on your chin."

James exploded and it vaguely reminded Sirius of an experiment he once performed with a toaster and a few blueberry pop tarts. The results were flaming pop tarts of doom.

"That's all you have to say?" James shrieked. "Don't you realize what this means? Your reputation will be ruined for eternity!"

Sirius stared blankly at James and mumbled, "Because of pudding on your chin?"

"Snape, Sirius! _Snape!_ He's escaped!" James was hopping from one foot to the other anxiously, his hands waving wildly in the air.

"Snape? Escaped from what?" Sirius looked completely lost. "I have no idea what you're talking about. Anyways, I can't take you seriously when there's pudding on your face."

Finally, James stood still. He rubbed off the pudding and put a hand on either side of Sirius' head. "Snape knows your secret, Sirius."

Sirius' eyes widened, imitating James. "Secret?" Sudden recognition dawned on him. "Oh!" Imitating James again, he started jumping up and down. "Oh, no! Oh, no! Very bad! This is VERY bad, James! We have to get him!" With that said, he immediately ran out of the kitchens, frantically waving his arms above his head as if it would actually help. Sirius slipped to the verge of breaking out in tears. The two were running down the hall, not knowing where to go or how they would stop Sirius' secret-carrier.

"James!" Sirius' voice cracked. "Snape and with the ropes and squirrel! Pudding, James, PUDDING! The squirrel is gonna tell everyone!"

James tried to keep up. "The squirrel is gonna tell everyone? Calm down. You're not making any sense, mate."

Sirius froze in his tracks and spun to face James.

"WHAT? _I_ don't make sense? I DON'T MAKE SENSE?"

James took a step back, seeing Sirius' clenched fists and white knuckles. "Sirius, you need to calm down if you want to stop Snape, okay?" he said, using a tone usually reserved for talking to young children. "Breathe. Good. That's it. Breathe in… and out."

Sirius was breathing heavily but at least looked past his nervous breakdown. He leaned in close to James, his breath coming in huge heaves and gasps. "I'm scared," Sirius whispered.

James shook his head. "You're not yourself. Come on, we still have to find Snape before he can tell anyone."

"Where did he go?" Sirius sounded like a toddler asking where his toy went. He still seemed about to burst into tears at any second.

"Let's try the Slytherin common room."

As they were about to turn a corner, they heard a familiar voice.

"But sir—"

"No 'buts'! You've been out at night too many times, Mr. Snape. Fifty points from Slytherin. Now, I want a long talk with you in my office."

Sirius and James smiled to each other as they listened to Snape being led away by the professor.

"So, you're safe at least until tomorrow," James said cheerfully. "Let's go back to Gryffindor tower. Maybe Peter or Remus knows the memory charm."

"Okay," Sirius said, looking a little better. "Remus will know what to do. He always knows what to do." He clapped his hands over his stomach. "Maybe we should stop to see Madam Pomfrey on the way. I think I had too much pudding."

**WOOOOOOO! Another chapter up! Please review! :D**


	4. Digging for Dirt

**Sirius' Serious Squirrel Secret**

**Summary: **Charming, courageous, athletic, rebellious, and Hogwart's number one heartthrob: a reputation Sirius Black has cherished since First Year. Unfortunately for Sirius, his worst enemy overhears the one little secret that could ruin his reputation in an instant. The Marauders have to stop their enemy before the secret can spread through Hogwarts. If they fail, the perfect life as Sirius knows it will end.

**Please REVIEW! I have been getting people subscribing to this story but no reviews whatsoever. Even in my very confused brain that doesn't add up... Anyway, onto the story!**

**Chapter 4 – Digging for Dirt**

The next morning, Remus and Peter heard everything that had happened the night before.

"You're scared of squirrels?" cackled Peter. Sirius glared in his direction. Peter fell completely silent two seconds later.

Taking advantage of the silence, Remus asked, "How are we supposed to hush up Snape, though? He's bound to tell someone soon."

"You're right. We need a plan," said James, stroking his chin evilly. He glanced at Remus. "Well?"

"What?"

"You're usually best in that department."

Remus sighed. "Well, okay. We could bribe him, but I don't know what he would want. We could threaten him, but you two bully him all the time as it is. We could tell a teacher, but they couldn't do much about it, I bet. Or... you could just tell everyone yourself, Sirius. It'd all smooth over in a few days and it'd be less humiliating at least. Otherwise, Snape will threaten you with it to get all kinds of stuff he wants until you refuse to take it anymore."

"Very wise, Moony," James mused. He turned toward Sirius. "So, wanna try the bribing or the threatening, then?"

"Actually, I've got a better idea. If we just kill him..."

"You can't just _kill_ Snape," Remus scolded.

"Not even a little bit?" Sirius whined. "Madame Promfrey could probably bring him back."

Remus shook his head.

"I could break his neck. It'd be fast!"

Remus shook his head more resolutely.

"Can't I at least break a leg or two?"

"Sirius, how many times do I have to tell you? You can't just injure people whenever you feel like it." Remus sighed sadly. "I know how you feel, but I'm sorry. That's how the world is."

Sirius pouted. "This is even worse than my date with Beverly."

"Beverly?" James asked. "The girl who carries around that stuffed squirrel?"

"She couldn't understand why I hated Larry," Sirius muttered.

"Bev named the squirrel Larry? I knew a Larry once," Peter said with disgust. "No wonder it was a bad date."

Desperate to change the topic, Sirius offered, "We could just blackmail him."

"Who? Larry?" Peter asked.

"No! Snape!"

"Ooh... I like that idea..." Peter rubbed his hands together maliciously, an evil glint in his eye.

~

James and Sirius walked into the library after lunch when they had a break before their next class. Sirius stared dumbly at the rows and rows of bookshelves in awe.

"How can there be so many books in the world?"

"There are more books than this, Padfoot." James, at least, wasn't ignorant of books.

They started to wander among the shelves. Before long, however, they heard Remus' voice.

"James! Sirius!" Remus sat at a nearby table scattered with books and parchment. "What are you two doing here? I don't think I've ever seen you in the library."

"That's because we've never been in here," Sirius stated matter-of-factly.

"Never?"

"Never," James affirmed. "We had a good record going until today."

"Well, what are you doing in here now?"

Sirius glanced shiftily around to make sure they were not being overheard. "We're digging up some dirt."

"Dirt?"

"Get in on the lingo, Remus! We're getting dirt on Snape. We need something to blackmail him with."

"Oh, _that_ kind of dirt. Right. I'd rather stay out of this one," Remus said, returning to his homework.

James rolled his eyes. "Your choice, but you're missing out." He turned to Sirius. "We should get a move on if we're going to find him before Herbology."

They made their way through the library slowly. Finally, they spotted Snape in a lonely corner surrounded by bookshelves. James moved a few heavy books aside on one of the bookshelves so he and Sirius could watch him.

"This is boring," Sirius whispered after five long minutes of silent spying. "He's not doing anything but homework."

"I guess you're right. We aren't getting anywhere here." Frustrated, James sighed and followed Sirius out of the library.

~

Over the next few days, Snape did not say a word to Sirius. No one even seemed to know Sirius' secret yet. The Marauders began to wonder if Snape had somehow forgotten the night altogether.

Meanwhile, James and Sirius continued to try to find "dirt" on Snape. They soon discovered that Peter made a terrible spy, so he was left out on most of their expeditions. He did manage, however, to filch some of Snape's things and even sneak into his dormitory on one occasion as a rat. Remus, on the other hand, did his best to ignore this blatant rule-breaking and figure out how to fix Sirius' situation.

Despite all their efforts, they learned nothing to blackmail their enemy into submission. James and Sirius saw nothing incriminating. Peter could not find anything suspicious, and Remus had no idea what to do next. But Sirius was stubborn and insisted that they persist.

~

"_Accio bag_," Sirius whispered during Transfiguration class.

Snape's bag floated over and landed by Sirius' chair. James grabbed it and began searching through the numerous papers. There were Charms homework, History of Magic essays, and Divination maps. He found quills and bottles of ink and extra sheets of parchment. Finally, Sirius grabbed the bag from him and dumped it out on their desk. No one in the class noticed. A few pineapples with furry tails made enough of a distraction as they hopped around the room, and Snape continued working to enchant his pineapple into a chipmunk.

Sirius frantically searched through Snape's belongings, looking for anything to use against him. By the end of the class, he had still found nothing and was forced to push all of the belongings back into the bag and return it before Snape had the chance to miss it. James was equally disappointed but still had hope that Snape had some sort of dirt they could use.

"Let's go back to the library. Maybe we missed something the last time," James suggested to Sirius.

"Yeah, he's got to be doing _something_ wrong today!" Sirius replied enthusiastically and ran down the hall. Behind him, James ran to try to catch up.

~

When they arrived to the library, they walked straight toward the back corner where they had seen Snape before. They returned to their little window in the bookshelves and spied on him. Again, it did not appear that he was doing anything suspicious, but they decided to wait a little longer. It was good they did, since a little while later, Avery ran into the library. He whispered in Snape's ear and the two ran into the hall. Snape left his papers behind, spread out on the table. Sirius immediately jumped out from behind the bookcase and began to search through the papers. James copied him, but suddenly stopped to look out the window.

Snape, Avery, and a few other Slytherins stood outside. They spoke together in a close huddle, so engrossed in the conversation that they didn't notice the second year Gryffindor slowly sneaking up on them. When he was close enough to attack, he threw a Dungbomb into their huddle and sprinted off around a corner before they could see who committed the prank. James laughed as the group broke up, coughing and spluttering from the stench.

"What are you laughing at?" Sirius asked angrily. "This is no laughing matter, James. If we don't find dirt on Snape, I'll be the laughing stock of the school!"

"I'm laughing because Stevie Jones just bought us some more time," James said.

Sirius looked out the window himself and immediately burst out laughing. "Brilliant! Now we can call him Dunghead Snivellus."

"But first, let's get this done with." James picked up a stack of papers and threw them aside. What he saw underneath made his heart stop. He gently picked up a small square of paper lying on the table and read it aloud to Sirius.

_Dear Lily,  
>Your eyes make my heartbeat flutter.<br>Your gaze turns my legs to butter.  
>I wish you were mine.<br>Do you want to dine?  
>If yes, meet me at midnight by the greenhouse.<br>I hope to see you soon, my dear little mouse.  
>Love,<br>Your Secret Admirer_

James stood horrified and angry. Sirius, however, thought the whole thing hilarious.

"Snape has a crush on Evans? He doesn't have a chance!" He snickered, holding his sides from bursting. "No 'little mouse' could appreciate that dreadful poetry."

"This isn't funny!" James nearly shrieked. "Don't you get it? Snape is out for my girl!"

Sirius only laughed harder. "Your girl? Don't let her hear you saying that. She's never going to be your girl, mate, as long as she hates you."

"Hates me? You told me that she was going to fall for me any day now!"

Sirius stopped laughing. "Oh, yeah." He paused to think. "Yeah, I was lying then."

"Great friend, you are, Padfoot," James growled through gritted teeth.

Oblivious, Sirius continued, "Yeah, I think I do a pretty good job."

James didn't bother to respond. He clenched the note in his fist and stomped out of the library. Plans to charm Lily before Snape could get to her already stewed in his mind. He only needed to sort out his friend's situation before he could put his ideas into action.


	5. The Ultimate Blackmail

**Sirius' Serious Squirrel Secret**

**Summary: **Charming, courageous, athletic, rebellious, and Hogwart's number one heartthrob: a reputation Sirius Black has cherished since First Year. Unfortunately for Sirius, his worst enemy overhears the one little secret that could ruin his reputation in an instant. The Marauders have to stop their enemy before the secret can spread through Hogwarts. If they fail, the perfect life as Sirius knows it will end.

**I DO NOT OWN HP, blah blah blah ;-)**

**Thanks for reviewing my story, review if you like it, review if you don't. Simple. All you have to do is review **

**Chapter 5 – The Ultimate Blackmail**

James and Sirius shared their finding that night with Peter and Remus in their dormitory.

"You know," Peter said, "this might be just what we were looking for. A secret crush? It's the ultimate blackmail!"

"For once, Peter, I think you may actually have a point," Sirius replied in awe.

Remus lay down on his bed. "Are you actually considering this, then?"

"Considering what?" James mumbled through a mouthful of chocolate.

"Have you been listening to our conversation at all?"

"A little bit, but I've been eating these chocolate frogs that my mum sent me." James stuffed the rest of his current frog into his mouth. "I'm still missing Merlin. It's supposed to be common, but I can't find it."

"Quit talking, Prongs. You're spraying me with chocolate," Sirius said. He walked over to his own trunk and started to dig inside it. After a few minutes, he finally emerged with a chocolate frog he had stashed away months before. He quickly pulled off the wrapper and took out the collectable card.

"Well, will you look at that. Here, take this one. I must have good luck or something."

"Are you serious?" James grabbed the card from Sirius' hand, eagerly reading Merlin's description. "That is completely unfair."

Remus cleared his throat loudly to get James' attention. "We've strayed from the topic, don't you think?"

"Oh, yeah, right," James replied and stuffed the card into his pocket. "When should we blackmail ol' Snivellus?"

"Tonight!" Sirius immediately shouted.

Peter glanced at his alarm clock. "It's late for that, isn't it? It's already past midnight."

"Nonsense! We can sneak into his dormitory and surprise him while he's sleeping. It's a perfect plan."

James looked doubtfully at Sirius' excited face. "We'll do it after one of our classes tomorrow."

Sirius' face fell. "Aw, Prongs, I wanted to do it tonight."

"Well, it's more like morning, now," Peter interrupted unnecessarily. "Twelve _AM_, you know."

~

"Snivellus!" James yelled down the hall as he charged toward Snape's retreating back.

Snape visibly quickened his pace, but James moved too fast. Sirius soon caught up behind him and within seconds, Snape was flanked by the top two people on his "People that I Absolutely Despise and Loathe" list.

"We need to talk to you, Snivellus," Sirius said with an evil grin.

"Yeah, Snivellus, we need to talk to you immediately." James stepped in front of Snape and pushed him back into Sirius. Sirius automatically shoved Snape back. James slid out of the way and nimbly tripped Snape with the talent that comes from a repeated routine. "Don't you love bothering him?" he added to Sirius as Snape stumbled and fell.

"You're right about talking," Snape coughed as he pushed himself off the ground. "I'm ready to discuss my demands."

"Demands?" Sirius laughed. He turned to James. "Snivellus has demands, James. What do we do now?"

Snape sneered and continued, "First of all, you will no longer call me 'Snivellus'." He brushed off his robes. "Also, never touch me again."

"I'm sorry that I'm the one to tell you this. Wait, no, I'm actually happy to tell you this. Neither of those will happen, _Snivellus_," James replied smugly.

Snape hesitated for only a moment before smirking as if to some private joke. "Perhaps you've forgotten, Potter. I know your friend's secret and unless you two cooperate, the entire school will soon find out."

"That's funny," Sirius teased, "because we know a little secret of yours as well." He pulled the note from his pocket and waved it in the air. "Lily will soon find out about your crush if you say a single word about my secret to anyone."

To James and Sirius' amazement, Snape began to laugh. "In case you two numbskulls failed to learn to read, I was planning on revealing myself anyway."

James and Sirius bent their heads over the slip of paper and read the note again.

"It does say that," James finally said. "That doesn't matter, though. It'll be ten times worse when she hears it from us rather than you."

Yet again, the comment did not produce the desired reaction of hysterical panic and pleading for mercy. Instead, Snape merely stood there, his face expressionless. After a minute or two of Snape staring at James and Sirius and the two glaring back, Snape finally broke the silence.

"Shall I continue with my demands, now?" he asked. "Tomorrow during Transfiguration, Black, you will serenade Professor McGonagall or else I might let slip something embarrassing at dinner."

Sirius glared at Snape, his hands clenched in fists at his sides. "If you do, we'll tell everyone about your teddy bear."

Shocked, James slowly turned to Sirius, his mouth agape.

Snape raised an eyebrow. "I've never owned a teddy bear."

Sirius smirked and relaxed. He had his response ready and promptly sneered, "Bad childhood, huh?"

"Can I speak to you privately?" James hissed through clenched teeth. He yanked on Sirius' arm and spun him around. They huddled together to talk with their backs turned to Snape. James whispered frantically, "Peter never found a teddy bear in Snape's dormitory. We can't use that for blackmail if it's not true."

"Maybe Snape doesn't know that we know that he doesn't have a teddy bear because he doesn't know that the fact that he has a teddy bear isn't true," Sirius pointed out confidently. "Trust me. Mocking Snape is my specialty."

"What are you even talking about?" James whispered back. Without waiting for an answer, he rolled his eyes and turned to face Snape again.

"Don't try to hide it. We know about your teddy, Snivellus," Sirius said.

"And if you tell anyone about Sirius' secret, we'll announce to the entire school about your secret," James finished, deciding to go with Sirius' strange plan.

"I have no idea what you imbeciles are blathering on about," Snape replied in a bored tone of voice, "but I suggest you choose a different tactic if you honestly think you have any hope of stopping me,"

This time, Sirius was the one to grab James and yank him around to have a private conversation. "We've been discovered. What now, James?" he said, not bothering to whisper.

"I can hear you," Snape announced from behind them.

James ignored him and put a hand on Sirius' shoulder. "Hold on. I have everything under control."

The two turned to face Snape again. "We were just testing you," James said. "We know all of your dark secrets, and if you don't keep quiet, we _will_ expose them."

"Dark secrets? Ha! Which ones, then?" Snape scoffed back.

"You know which ones," James replied. "Let's go, Padfoot." As he walked away, he stealthily sneaked his wand out of his pocket. Within a second, he aimed it over his shoulder and whispered, "_Petrificus totalus_."

Sirius glanced over his own shoulder to see Snape fall flat on the ground, stiff and motionless. "Oh, no. You touched him, Prongs. Now you're in for it."

~

Remus dropped a colossal book down on the table. "I think I've solved your problem, Padfoot!" he exclaimed, effectively waking Sirius from his nap.

"What?" Sirius asked, still groggy. Unsurprisingly, he had dozed off while Remus had been helping him study for the upcoming History of Magic exam. He noticed a wide pool of drool on his notes and attempted to dry them off with his sleeve. The ink only smeared into a blotchy mess.

"I mean your problem with Snape. I think I know how to stop him from blackmailing you," Remus insisted through Sirius' dazed state.

"I think I see a cactus," Sirius said in reply as he stared at his ruined set of notes, "or is that the grim? One day, I bet Professor Trelawney will terrify some poor kid by claiming that the grim is following him. You know, I look a little like a grim when I'm a dog."

"You're just like James. Are you even listening?"

Sirius merely pushed the parchment to Remus and pointed at the biggest ink blot. "What does that look like to you?"

Remus leaned closer to the paper, squinting his eyes as he examined the blot. "I don't know. It could be a student sleeping when he should be studying if you squint your eyes a little like this." He looked up to squint in Sirius' direction.

Ignoring Remus' look, Sirius pulled the parchment back and squinted his eyes. "Really? All I can see now is a big smudge." He paused to look up at Remus. "Don't you think it looks more like a smudge?"

"Of course it's a smudge, Sirius! It's an ink blot!" Remus shouted, drawing the attention of half the common room.

Unfazed, Sirius stared back down at the parchment. "Oh, is that what it is?"

Exasperated, Remus fell back in his chair and covered his face with his hands. He took a moment to calm himself before trying to actually converse with Sirius again.

"Sirius, while you were sleeping, I went down to the library and found this book on phobias," he spoke as calmly as he could. He opened the cover of the book he had dropped on the desk and flipped through the pages. "It explains how to overcome your fears. If we can cure your fear of squirrels, then Snape will have nothing to blackmail you with. See?" Remus looked up at Sirius and found him sleeping again, his cheek resting on the smudge-like blot.

**Hope you liked it! AND DON'T FORGET TO REVIEW! Will update as soon as possible **


	6. Curing Irrational Phobias for Dummies

**Sirius' Serious Squirrel Secret**

**Summary: **Charming, courageous, athletic, rebellious, and Hogwart's number one heartthrob: a reputation Sirius Black has cherished since First Year. Unfortunately for Sirius, his worst enemy overhears the one little secret that could ruin his reputation in an instant. The Marauders have to stop their enemy before the secret can spread through Hogwarts. If they fail, the perfect life as Sirius knows it will end.

**Hope you enjoyed reading. Still getting more subscriptions but no more reviews PLEASE REVIEW!**

**COMING UP IN THIS CHAPTER: What happens when you take four Marauders, an empty classroom at night, and a book for curing phobias and snake bites? Read and find out.**

**Chapter 6 – Curing Irrational Phobias and Snake Bites for Dummies**

"You know, we don't really fit under here anymore," Remus said.

"Well, you can get out and get caught by Filch anytime you want, Remus," James replied. "But I'm personally going to use the cloak."

All four Marauders were huddled under James' invisibility cloak. They shuffled along down the hall on their way to an empty classroom they could use while they treated Sirius' fear of squirrels.

"It's only Filch, James. What's he going to do if he sees us? Give us detention? Detention's nothing to be afraid of," Sirius said.

"And squirrels are?" Peter teased.

"Watch it, Peter," Sirius growled and poked Peter with the tip of his wand. A few orange sparks singed a hole in Peter's robes, enough warning to keep him quiet.

"Well, Sirius, if you're so brave, why don't you step out from under the cloak and give the rest of us a little more room?" Remus interrupted. "It's _only_ Filch, you know."

At risk of damaging his pride, Sirius huffed, "Fine, then. I _will_ get out." He pushed the cloak off and slipped out from underneath. "I wanted some fresh air, anyway."

They continued on down the hall for another minute until they reached an open doorway to a classroom.

"Let's go in here," James said.

As soon as he spoke, however, a cat appeared out of the classroom. It was a scrawny little creature with a mangy coat of fur. Its bulging eyes swept the hall and landed on Sirius. Normally, such a look from such a decrepit-looking cat would not threaten many students who were breaking rules, but Sirius gasped as he saw Mrs. Norris staring at him. With a flick of her tail, she slipped off down the corridor, no doubt in search of Filch.

"Let me in! Let me in!" Sirius frantically cried as he reached his arms out to find his friends under the cloak.

"Hush up, will you?" Remus hissed. "We're right here." He lifted up the edge of the cloak and threw it over Sirius just in time.

Filch had arrived around the corner. Mrs. Norris ran ahead of him, her eyes glowing eerily in the dim light. She stopped a few feet from the huddled boys and sniffed the air. Filch skidded to a stop behind her and glanced around hungrily.

"They have to be around here somewhere," he wheezed.

Mrs. Norris hissed in agreement and entered the classroom. With one last look down the corridor, Filch followed her to search the room.

James lunged forward and pulled the door closed. Sirius quickly locked it with a tap of his wand.

"No!" Filch yelled from inside. The doorknob rattled but would not turn. "Open this door this instant!" The doorknob continued to rattle. "I'll string you up by your thumbs if you don't let me out! I'll get Dumbledore to expel you for this!"

Snickering, the boys turned and ran as fast as they could before Filch could break down the door with his fury.

Hearing their footsteps, Filch shouted after them, "Come back here, you troublemakers! I'll track you down and make you wish you never lived!"

Mrs. Norris yowled along with her owner, as if adding her own threats to his.

~

Soon, the Marauders were two stories away from Filch's shrieks and far out of earshot of Mrs. Norris' persistent yowls. They slowed to a walk and entered a cat-free classroom. Chairs and desks were stacked against the back wall. The room had clearly not been used for some time since a thick layer of dust coated the ground.

James used his wand to direct a few chairs into the middle of the room and took a seat. Sirius and Peter followed him to sit down. Remus, however, walked to stand in front of the classroom with the heavy book on phobias. The others waited as he began to flick through the pages.

"Why do books have such long acknowledgements and title pages?" he questioned no one in particular. Finally, he stopped to a page almost a quarter of the way through the book. "Ah, here it is! Curing Irrational Phobias and Snake Bites for Dummies, Chapter one: Identifying the Snake Bite You May or May Not Have." Remus paused for a moment, apparently confused. "I guess the part about phobias must be farther along into the book."

"Judging by the title of the chapter, I would say that is a reasonable conclusion," said Sirius from his seat. Peter began to giggle beside him. "Men don't giggle, Wormtail," Sirius said to him, completely serious.

"Oops. Sorry." Peter immediately hushed, remembering Sirius' hot temper.

Once Peter was again quiet, Remus flipped through more pages of the library book, searching for a useful chapter. Finally, he stopped almost midway in the book and read, "Chapter 16: Beginning Treatment for Your Phobia." He smiled. "Now this sounds like what we're looking for."

"Great!" James exclaimed. "What do we do first?" He pointed his wand at Sirius' face and smiled eagerly. Sirius, however, looked less than reassured.

"Wait a minute! Watch where you're pointing that stick, James! I don't want anyone testing out spells on me and ending up giving me extra toes or anything," he protested.

"Put down your wand, James," Remus intervened. "Most of these steps are non-magical."

"Most? Can we start with the magical ones, then?" James' eyes lit up with excitement.

Remus shook his head. James pouted but stowed away his wand nevertheless. Once it was safely away in James' pocket, Remus began to skim the chapter.

"It says here that there is an easy five-step process to cure any fear," Remus said.

"Well, get on with it! If I don't fix this thing, then I'm gonna have to sing to McGonagall!" Sirius shouted, impatiently.

"Then, I suggest that you listen up," Remus calmly replied. "Okay, it starts with, 'Curing your phobia will take time and effort. It will not disappear in one session or overnight.'"

"Well, that's out the window, then." Sirius made to stand up, but James pulled him back down and signaled for Remus to go on.

"'You need to prepare yourself for the long, difficult journey ahead before you begin. Determine not to give up until it's obvious that there's no hope left for you.'"

"I'm done. It's already obvious I have no hope for tomorrow."

"'Also, a positive attitude will be necessary for success. You will especially need one when your goal seems absolutely impossible and unachievable, which will be until you miraculously achieve it against all odds.'"

Sirius rolled his eyes. "That makes me feel really positive."

Remus continued to ignore him, scanning through the rest of the preliminary paragraphs. "Finally! Here we go. Step one: Identifying your fear. 'Oftentimes, you may realize that your fears are much greater than you first thought. If it seems like too much of an ordeal for you alone to handle, professional help may be useful.'"

"Squirrels, obviously, but I don't know if you count as a professional, Moony."

"Well, I'm as good as you're going to get," Remus replied. "Let's continue, then. Step two: Emotional support. 'Make sure to keep a close friend or loved one on hand when facing your fear. They may need to also restrain you if panicking ensues. Check that they know how to properly perform the body bind curse.'"

"Oh! Can I do it?" James asked, jumping to his feet.

Sirius immediately yanked him back down, vigorously shaking his head at Remus.

"I don't think that would help right now, James," he said in support of Sirius. "For Sirius' good, you're a little too quick to cast a spell."

"But I'm in the mood for hexing and Snivellus isn't around."

"What?" shouted Sirius indignantly and leapt from his chair. "You want to start hexing me just because you can't find someone else? I thought we were friends!"

"We are, Padfoot. It's just that I haven't gotten the chance since I hexed Snape this morning and my wand hand's getting itchy." James calmly looked at Sirius as if this were the most natural thing in the world. Remus simply stared between the two, at a loss as to what to say.

Suddenly, Peter exploded into unrestrained laughter. He could not hold it back any longer. "'Judging by the title!'" he gasped amid hysterical fits. "Merlin's beard! 'Reasonable conclusion!'" He fell off his chair and hit the stone floor, but he barely noticed. He continued to cackle, rolling on the ground and covering himself in dust.

"If you want to jinx someone, why don't you jinx him?" Sirius suggested to James, stabbing a thumb in Peter's direction.

James shrugged. "Okay, then," he replied and waved his wand.

Peter rose into the air just as suddenly as he had started to laugh. As if a giant, invisible hook had grabbed his leg, he jerked to the ceiling upside down. Peter wheezed heavily, trying to regain his breath.

"James!" he gasped between strained breaths. He gulped down oxygen like a fish out of water. "Let me – down! You – know I – don't – like heights!"

"Bloody hell," Sirius said, watching as Peter's face slowly turned to a bright shade of blue. "Maybe you should put him down now, James. I think he's hyperventilating."

Remus nodded vigorously. "He is. If you don't drop him soon, he's going to pass out!"

"Right," James replied, still shocked as to Peter's reaction, and quickly flicked his wand to end the spell. Peter fell to the ground in a heap with an ominous crunching sound.

His friends rushed to where he landed and rolled him onto his back. Peter let out a quiet whimper before falling unconscious.

"We need to get him to the Hospital Wing," Remus told the others while he prodded what felt like a broken wrist.

Sirius frowned. "After curfew? Madame Pomfrey will know we broke school rules, then, won't she?"

"Not if Peter had his accident in our dormitory," James said with a wink.

"But he didn't fall in our dormitory," Sirius responded, looking confused.

"No, he jumped off his bed and broke his wrist when he fell," James insisted.

"No, no, no. We weren't in our dormitory, James. You were right here with us when we saw him fall. In fact, you were the one who lifted Peter into the air and dropped him."

Frustrated, James covered his face with his hands.

"I think what James meant," Remus interrupted, "is that we _tell _Madame Pomfrey that Peter fell out of his bed even though he never really did."

For a moment, Sirius stared at Remus dumbly. Then, his mouth formed a silent "oh" in understanding. "_Now_ I get it. You want to _lie_ to Madame Pomfrey and tell her Peter broke his wrist when we were up in our _dormitory_ rather than down _here_ where we could lose house points for wandering around the school at night." He paused for another moment, letting the plan sink in, before continuing. "Well, if we get caught and let Slytherin get ahead for the house cup, I'll blame you, James."

With that, he levitated Peter out the door and headed for the Hospital Wing with James and Remus on his tail.

**Hope you enjoyed reading. REMEMBER TO REVIEW Will update a.s.a.p**


	7. Of Painkillers and Irritating Roaches

**Sirius' Serious Squirrel Secret**

**Summary: **Charming, courageous, athletic, rebellious, and Hogwart's number one heartthrob: a reputation Sirius Black has cherished since First Year. Unfortunately for Sirius, his worst enemy overhears the one little secret that could ruin his reputation in an instant. The Marauders have to stop their enemy before the secret can spread through Hogwarts. If they fail, the perfect life as Sirius knows it will end.

**WOOOOOO! Two updates in one day! Read on to carry on with Sirius' problem...**

**Chapter 7 – Of Painkillers and Irritating Roaches**

Madam Pomfrey pulled one of Peter's eyelids open. Even after ten minutes, he was still unconscious. "You say he fell out of his bed?" she asked suspiciously.

"Yes, Madam Pomfrey," Remus replied, avoiding her eyes. "Things got rowdy up in the dormitory, and he jumped off."

"That's exactly what happened," Sirius added. "He yelled something about how he could fly like an eagle and just jumped right off his bed. He tried to do a somersault in the air, but didn't make it all the way around. So, he landed on his head and one hand."

Madam Pomfrey still looked doubtful.

James nodded. "His hand made this disgusting crunching noise, and Peter blacked out immediately after he fell. We rushed him down here as fast as we could."

Finally, Madam Pomfrey seemed at least somewhat convinced. She turned back to Peter and tapped his wrist with her wand. Peter flinched in his sleep, but still didn't wake.

"Well, that should do him for now. I mended his wrist as best as possible. It will still be sore for a week or so, but otherwise perfectly capable. If he only fell off the bed, then he shouldn't have suffered any serious head damage. I'll keep him here for the rest of the night since he is hardly in a state to move, though he shouldn't need any additional treatment for his head." She studied the three boys through narrowed eyes. "I would advise you to warn Mr. Pettigrew from jumping off his bed in the future. Now, I think it's about time you three get back to your own beds. I, for one, would like to get back to mine." She ushered Sirius, Remus, and James out the door and slammed it behind them.

"She's right," Remus said once they were in the hall. "We should go to sleep."

"We'll just have to cure Sirius' phobia tomorrow night," James said.

Sirius shrugged and threw the invisibility cloak over them. "We'll just have to avoid any squirrels on the way back to Gryffindor tower."

~

The next morning, Madam Pomfrey released Peter from the Hospital Wing as soon as the other Marauders arrived. "Go on and take him," Madam Pomfrey said eagerly as she shoved him into their arms. "He woke up screaming, shouting something about heights and demanding where he was. I managed to finally calm him down, but he's been incessantly complaining about his wrist ever since." She took a deep breath in an effort to calm herself and turned to Peter. "That wrist of yours should be just fine in a week or so as long as you don't strain it. Now, give me some peace and quiet and get on down to breakfast."

She began to usher the boys out when Peter interrupted, "But Madam Pomfrey! What am I going to do about the pain?"

She rolled her eyes, but nevertheless reached into her apron and withdrew a small blue capsule. "You can take this if the pain becomes too unbearable for you, though I doubt a sturdy young man like yourself wouldn't be able to stand a little twinge in the arm."

Peter immediately grabbed the pill and stuffed it into his mouth, swallowing hard. Madam Pomfrey shook her head sadly. After a moment of silence, Peter gave a low moan.

"It's not working. Do you have any more? I need at least a few more, maybe nine or ten," he groaned.

"Tsk, tsk, Mr. Pettigrew. That one is enough for a full day. I can't hand out unnecessary medication whenever someone asks for it. Now, you'll be late for class if you boys wait around here much longer."

"I've got a bump the size of a dragon egg on my head and you're telling me to worry about getting to class on time," he mumbled, but followed his friends to leave the Hospital Wing.

A blonde girl wearing Ravenclaw robes met them on their way to Potions class. "There you are, Sirius!" she exclaimed as she spotted the group. "I didn't see you at breakfast." Her eyes slid over Remus' scarred face, James' messy hair, and Peter gingerly cradling his wrist, before she focused back on Sirius. "So, are we still on for tonight?"

"Tonight?" Sirius recognized the girl as Claire Kettleburn.

"Yeah. You know, our date?" Claire looked at him skeptically, as if she suddenly thought the date wasn't a good idea. "You asked me last Sunday, and I told you I'd be free Friday night. Tonight. I mean, not even Ravenclaws do homework on a Friday."

"Oh, right! Of course. How could I forget?" But Sirius' thoughts strayed to Sunday night when Snape had heard his secret. So much had changed since he asked Claire on a date.

She didn't seem to notice his far-off gaze and blank expression, however, too excited for their date. "Okay, then, Sirius," Claire said. "Well, I don't want to be late for Charms. You know how Professor Flitwick can get."

"At least you don't have to serenade him," Sirius muttered as she walked away with an extra bounce to her step.

James patted him on the shoulder. "Don't worry about it, mate. I'm sure dear Professor McGonagall will be utterly flattered by your singing."

~

In Potions class, Professor Slughorn assigned the students in pairs to brew Vimatha Horasho, a potion that makes the consumer incredibly flexible. James jumped up to search the supply cupboard for the necessary ingredients, while Sirius prepared the cauldron and read the instructions in his textbook. Remus was left to endure Peter's endless whining as he brewed the potion for the both of them. As always, Peter was completely useless in Potions and couldn't be trusted with even the simplest of tasks.

Usually, Slytherins preferred to sit on the left and Gryffindors, on the right. This day, however, Severus Snape chose the seat directly behind Sirius. His partner, Mulciber, followed after James to fetch the ingredients. Once they were both alone, Snape pulled his wand out of his pocket and extinguished the fire beneath Sirius' cauldron.

Sirius glanced up from his textbook. At once, he lit the burner again and returned to his reading. Snape smiled and put out the fire once more. Sirius stared at the burner, confused, and decided to examine it for the problem. After a short investigation, he leaned back in his chair, apparently dumbfounded as to what was wrong. He lifted his wand, hesitating before restarting the fire. He waited to see if it would go out. When it did not, he shrugged and began reading the instructions again. As soon as Sirius looked down, Snape flicked his wand and the fire disappeared for the third time.

"What's the bloody wrong with you?" Sirius yelled, jumping up from his chair.

The entire class turned around at the shout, all staring at Sirius. Some had expression of annoyance and others, bemusement. Several of the Slytherins, however, burst into a roar of laughter at Sirius' sudden outburst.

"Oh, uh, nothing to see here, folks," Sirius said, trying to save his dignity despite the Slytherins' laughter. "I – my burner – no fire –"

"Having trouble with your burner, Black?" Snape interrupted.

Sirius spun around, furious, but stopped short, grabbing his neck in pain.

"Whiplash?"

Sirius scowled. Snape had asked him the same question hardly a few days before, the night he discovered Sirius' secret. Sirius managed to ignore the memory, however. There were other matters to attend to. "You were messing with me the whole time, weren't you?" he asked.

Snape smirked. "For once in your life, you got something right."

"I'll hex you so hard –"

"Maybe you're forgetting something, Black. I doubt you want me to, say, let something slip in the Great Hall to the _entire_ school," Snape warned. "Hexing me won't help your situation. Surely even you can see _that_."

Sirius growled with increased ferocity. "You can't spread my secret if you're dead," he threatened.

"Now, now, Black," Snape said in return as if lecturing a small child. "We both know that you don't have the courage to try a stunt like that."

"Gryffindor," Sirius barely managed to spit through his clenched teeth.

"And yet you have still failed to kill me."

For a brief second, Sirius considered doing the deed right there. "Has anyone ever told you what an irritating little roach you are?"

"Many times." Snape's grin widened, but faded away as he spotted James returning. He looked down and pretended to read his textbook. "We'll continue our conversation later to discuss my demands when your little friends are not lurking around."

"Okay, I got the slugs, doxy eggs, snakeskin, chamomile, and horseradish," James said to Sirius as he came closer. "Did I miss anything?"

Sirius glared at Snape over his shoulder. "Only the salt and pepper. I just hope our burner works."

"Oh, is that why you were yelling?" James asked. "I wondered what that was about. Why wouldn't it work?"

"Sabotage."

Knowing Sirius, James thought better than to ask for an explanation. Instead, he distracted himself with the ingredients, but after a moment's silence, he began chuckling uncontrollably. "Salt and pepper! Good one, Sirius!"

~

As they left Potions class, Sirius suddenly stopped, blocking the doorway. A mob quickly arose out of the twenty or so students desperate to leave the cold dungeons. They knocked Sirius down to the ground and stampeded through, leaving the Marauders in the dust.

"Sirius! Are you alright?" James cried, rushing forward to lift his friend off the floor. Sirius had bruises all over his body and a large bump on his forehead.

He hardly noticed. "I have the best plan in the history of plans," he said, staring at a stone wall in awe. "I can't believe we didn't think of it before."

"Well, what is it?" Peter asked impatiently.

"The best plan ever," Sirius replied.

**Enjoy! Have already half-written chapter 8 so that should be up today or tomorrow. Keep on reading folks... **


	8. Say Hello to Larry

**Sirius' Serious Squirrel Secret**

**Summary: **Charming, courageous, athletic, rebellious, and Hogwart's number one heartthrob: a reputation Sirius Black has cherished since First Year. Unfortunately for Sirius, his worst enemy overhears the one little secret that could ruin his reputation in an instant. The Marauders have to stop their enemy before the secret can spread through Hogwarts. If they fail, the perfect life as Sirius knows it will end.

**Before I continue with the story, I would like to give mega big thanks to Hesaluti for giving me GREAT advice for this story. THANKS SOOOOO MUCH! Anyway...onto the story.**

**Chapter 8 – Say Hello to Larry**

"Yeah, we got the whole 'best plan' part," James said.

"It's simple. We just need to get Beverly's stuffed squirrel," Sirius said.

"Larry?" Remus asked. He narrowed his eyes and wondered how exactly Sirius planned on getting the squirrel.

"Exactly," Sirius continued. He began to walk down the hall with the Marauders tailing after him. "We get the squirrel. Then, we find Snape. We show him the squirrel and pretend that it's real. Then, I pet the squirrel. When I don't freak out, he'll know that I'm not afraid of squirrels anymore."

"But you _are_ afraid of squirrels," Peter stated, confused.

"But he won't know that. So he won't be able to blackmail me."

"But he will still be able to blackmail you because it will still be true."

"But he won't know that it's still true, so he won't still blackmail me," Sirius insisted.

"But it's still true."

"But I'm right, so quit it!" Sirius shouted, rounding on Peter. He stood there for a few moments, practically growling at Peter's cowering form. Then, just as suddenly, he backed off and turned to the other two instead. "Now," he continued, "we just need to find Beverly and convince her to let us borrow Larry."

"How do you exactly plan on doing that?" Remus asked.

"I have my ways," Sirius replied in a mysterious whisper.

Remus glanced at Peter, who was still recovering, and wisely chose to not push the subject.

~

They soon found Beverly in the library. She sat at a table near the back with her pet squirrel. It seemed from a distance that she was talking to herself. When they approached her table, however, they realized that she was talking to Larry.

"I can't believe that mean girl would say her shoes made better pets than you. You don't smell like those trainers of hers. Professor McGonagall gave me so much homework today. I think she hates me. You're lucky that the teachers don't assign pets homework," she rambled on.

As the Marauders walked closer, she looked up from her textbook. "Oh, hello," she said. Beverly then turned to the squirrel next to her. "Say hello, Larry. It's polite." She smiled cheerfully and turned back to face the Marauders.

Sirius fought to not gag and succeeded with a horrible grimace. "Hello, Beverly," he choked out. "Could I ask you for a favor?"

Beverly smiled wider, if possible. "_Anything_ for you, Sirius."

James, Remus, and Peter looked away and pretended not to listen. Sirius found this lack of support less than reassuring. He rubbed his neck nervously. "Yeah, well, you wouldn't mind if I borrow Larry for a little while, then, right?"

Shocked, Beverly jerked back in her seat, her eyes wide. "Borrow Larry? What for?"

"I need him to help me with something."

She looked at the stuffed squirrel. "What do you think, Larry?" She waited for a response, nodding her head along to whatever Larry was presumably saying. "I thought so, too." Beverly looked back to Sirius. "We want to know why I should let him help you."

Sirius leaned towards her and put on his best girl-fainting smile. "Remember our… great… date a few months ago?" He barely caught himself before saying "catastrophic" instead.

Beverly smiled again. "I'm dating someone else, now, Sirius."

Peter collapsed on the floor, gagging. Sirius nimbly blocked Beverly's view of him and held her chin to divert her attention.

"Are you sure about that, Bev?" he asked in the most charming voice he could muster. His smoldering eyes locked with hers. She couldn't possibly look away. Within moments, his hypnotizing stare had mesmerized her.

"Well, now that you mention it…" she whispered feebly.

Sirius grinned. "I'll bring Larry back before you know it." He let go of her chin and reached for the stuffed squirrel. His fingers were only centimeters away when its nose twitched.

Sirius jerked his hand back with the reflexes of a Quidditch player and stumbled backwards. Beverly burst out laughing loud enough to attract Madame Pince's attention. At her evil glare, Beverly blushed and shushed herself as best as she could. James, meanwhile, helped Sirius regain his balance. Remus took a closer look at Larry, and Peter gasped for breath on the ground.

"The Animatrix charm," Remus said in awe.

Beverly finally stifled her laughter and nodded. "That's the one. I could only make his nose twitch, though."

"So, it's not alive?" Sirius asked.

"Of course he's alive!" Beverly replied indignantly.

James grabbed Larry from the table. "Of course he is." Before Beverly could say anything else, he spun around and rushed out of the library with the other Marauders.

"That girl's insane," Peter finally managed to splutter on their way out.

Sirius nodded energetically, staring at the animated squirrel. "You got that right."

Peter hugged himself. "I think I'm gonna need another painkiller." All the retching had created a stitch in his side.

"Nevermind that," interrupted Remus. "Sirius, what are you going to do about Beverly? You have a date with Claire tonight and you're already wooing other girls. Besides, I thought you hated your last date with Beverly." He planted a severe look on his face, perfected from his time as a prefect.

Sirius held up his hands, faking innocence. "Give me some credit, mate. I only asked Bev if she had a boyfriend, nothing more."

"Yes, but you _implied_ something more," insisted Remus. "I don't like it. What if you break her heart?"

"Don't worry about it, Moony," Sirius said. He turned to James. "You don't think I'll break her heart, do you?"

James stared down at the squirrel in his hands. "Don't ask me. I've only ever loved one girl."

~

There was a clear blue sky with not a cloud in sight. The trees were covered in bright green leaves. Birds were singing in the branches. Flowers were just beginning to appear. All in all, it was a beautiful spring day lost on the Marauders. They did not stop to enjoy the weather. Instead, Remus and Peter waited on the edge of the courtyard while James and Sirius walked up to a group of boys huddled together. It was time to put Sirius' "best plan ever" into action.

"Snivellus!" James shouted, hiding Larry behind his back. The group of boys turned to look at the two Marauders. One stepped forward out of the throng.

"What now, Potter?" Snape asked venomously, already reaching to draw his wand.

"We have a surprise for you, Snivelly," Sirius said.

Snape stopped and folded his arms. "Is that so?"

"Yeah. I'm not afraid of –" He stopped and glanced around at the Slytherins surrounding Snape. "I mean, I'm not afraid of… you."

Snape laughed, and his friends laughed along. "Really? Prove it."

James pulled Larry out from behind him and balanced the stuffed toy on the palm of his hand. Sirius took a deep breath. He reached out his shaking hand and gently petted Larry's fur. The squirrel twitched its nose, but Sirius resisted the urge to yank his hand away.

For a second, it almost seemed as if Snape had bought the stunt. That is, until a smug look appeared on his face. "Black, you do realize that that's a stuffed animal?" Snape asked.

A look of horror overcame Sirius' own face at his plan's failure. "Time to go," he said to James and then, grabbing his friend's arm, bolted for an quick escape.

"I hope you've been practicing your singing!" Snape shouted for everyone to hear.

With the Slytherins cackling behind them, James and Sirius sped past Remus and Peter out of the courtyard. Peter chased after them, but Remus merely shook his head, grinning to himself as he followed his frantic friends. Sirius could devise cunning plans for pranks in an instant, yet he couldn't plan a single way to save himself when a good plan was needed the most.

**Hope you liked the chapter...sorry it was quite short...will update in a couple of days **


	9. The Art of Embarrassment

**Sirius' Serious Squirrel Secret**

**Summary: **Charming, courageous, athletic, rebellious, and Hogwart's number one heartthrob: a reputation Sirius Black has cherished since First Year. Unfortunately for Sirius, his worst enemy overhears the one little secret that could ruin his reputation in an instant. The Marauders have to stop their enemy before the secret can spread through Hogwarts. If they fail, the perfect life as Sirius knows it will end.

**Chapter 9 – The Art of Embarrassment**

Snape and Sirius' certain doom waited on the other side of the heavy wooden door.

"We could skip class and pretend we're sick," James suggested for the seventh time.

Sirius stood with one hand on the handle, debating whether or not to enter the classroom. On one hand, Snape would reveal his secret to the school if he didn't. On the other hand, serenading McGonagall in front of the class would be almost as humiliating. He was tempted to take James up on the offer.

He set his jaw and shook his head. He would not – could not – wimp out. Snape had given him a dare and as sure as he despised his mother's cooking, he would fulfill the dare. With a heroic effort, Sirius swung the door wide open. He strode in with his head held high, the breeze from the door's motion blowing through his hair. Several girls in the room sighed at the sight. One fainted. All eyes watched him and his entourage walk to their seats. Sirius closed his eyes for a moment, feeling as if he had power over the entire world.

"Twenty points from Gryffindor."

His eyes snapped open. Everyone took their eyes off of him to see Professor McGonagall standing at the front of the room. She glared dangerously at the Marauders.

"Twenty points? From your own house?" Sirius barked at her, a bad choice on his part. The other Marauders were wise enough to sit down without question.

McGonagall's expression became even more threatening. "Enough of the theatrics, Mr. Black. Five points each since you boys are late. If you would like to debate, I would not hesitate to mark more."

Peter tugged on Sirius' sleeve, silently pleading with him to sit down. Sirius grudgingly complied.

"Good," McGonagall said. The girl who had fainted moaned, regaining consciousness. "Miss Toppin, kindly escort Miss White to the Hospital Wing." Toppin wrapped one of White's arms around her neck and stumbled out of the room with White barely managing to walk beside her. As soon as they had left, McGonagall returned to her desk. "Today, you will read chapter 27 in your textbooks. Make sure to memorize the different methods to transform various objects into drinkable water."

James poked Sirius hard with his quill once the classroom was silent except for the flapping of pages.

Sirius grabbed the quill from him. "I don't need a scar to match yours from Tic-Tac-Toe," he hissed. "What is it?"

"Now's the perfect time," James whispered back. "Get going and be done with it."

Sirius chewed his lip, wondering what he would sing. With a deep breath, he pushed back his chair and walked up to McGonagall's desk. Before she even looked up from her planned curriculum, he fell to one knee and burst into song… literally.

Best to embarrass yourself as loud as possible if at all, Sirius thought and sucked in air until his lungs were at full capacity. "Oh!" he cried at the highest decibel he could manage. A few more and he might have been able to shatter James' glasses. "You're the one for me! Listen to my song! My only true love, no other could be!"

McGonagall sat in shock, plastered against the back of her chair by Sirius' voice. Sirius took another lungful of air and continued onto the next verse. "With your stiff brown bun and flowing green robes! Your wrinkly white skin, it shines like the sun!" The class stared in dumbfounded silence. Many of the girls, who had previously admired Sirius as he walked in, covered their ears.

"Oh!" Sirius started again, ignoring McGonagall's expression. "With spectacles shiny and a cute round –!"

"Mr. Black!" Professor McGonagall shrieked, finding her voice. She jumped to her feet in case force would be necessary to prevent him from resuming the song. "Cease the racket at once and return to your seat! Twenty more points from Gryffindor!"

Furious, Sirius clamped his mouth shut and tried to act calm while everyone else in the class laughed. Twenty more points for singing! And the entire class laughing at his ridiculous stunt! He glanced in Snape's direction. Snape could hardly breathe from guffawing along with the rest. _Good_, Sirius thought. _Maybe he'll suffocate and this whole mess will be over with_. While McGonagall tried to quiet the class again, Sirius watched Snape a few minutes longer. Alas, no matter how hard he wished, his dream simply did not come true.

Sirius spent the rest of the class listening to quiet giggles and hushed whispers from the other students. Once they were free to leave, he jumped out of his chair and rushed for the door, the other Marauders trailing behind him. He slipped behind a nearby tapestry onto a hidden staircase. He wanted a few minutes of privacy before his stunt was spread throughout Hogwarts. As the four of them walked up the stairs, Remus pulled the phobia-breaking book from his bag.

"Oh, not that again!" Sirius complained.

Remus began flipping through the pages. "If you don't want to repeat a public stunt like that, then we're going to have to cure you somehow. If you have any other suggestions, you better speak up. Otherwise, this is our only solution."

"He's got a point," James said.

Sirius let his shoulders droop in defeat. "I know. So, what's the next step?"

Remus found the page he wanted and started to trace the words with his finger. "It says for step three that you need to start by imagining your fear in your mind," he said.

"Do I have to?"

"Stop complaining. Now, visualize a squirrel as a big, ugly monster."

"Well, that's not too hard." Sirius closed his eyes and promptly tripped on the next stair. Peter, who was following a little too closely, fell on top of him. "Ugh! Get off of me, you git!" Sirius growled to Peter before glaring up at Remus.

"That went well," James piped up mockingly. "Don't you think so, Moony?"

"I knew Sirius was stupid, but I didn't expect him to be that stupid," Remus replied, rolling his eyes.

"Hey! I'm laying right here, you know," Sirius said.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I'll just wait until I can talk behind your back, then," Remus teased. He slammed the book closed and started up the stairs again. "Come on. We can't afford to lose points for being late to Charms, too."

At that moment, a young boy tore open the tapestry at the bottom of the stairs. "There you are!" he yelled far too loudly and rushed up toward the group. He stopped in front of Sirius who was just standing to his feet. "I've been looking for you everywhere!"

"And who are you?" Sirius asked him.

The boy grinned and thrust a folded piece of parchment toward Sirius. "I brought you a message."

Sirius gingerly took the note as if it could explode without the proper caution. "Er… right." The boy stared at him, still bearing a wide grin. "Well, if that's all…." The boy did not respond. Sirius stared back at him, quickly becoming uncomfortable. "Thank you?"

With those final words, the boy turned around and disappeared behind the tapestry. Sirius looked to James, Remus, and Peter and shook his head. "I swear the First Years keep getting weirder every year."

"If I remember First Year correctly," Remus said as he continued up the stairs again, "you were worse."

Sirius bit back a retort and opened his note. Immediately, he groaned. James grabbed the paper from his hands and read it out loud.

_You call that singing? Pathetic. This isn't over.  
>Meet me in the dungeons after dinner.<br>Severus Snape_

"Looks like you're going to miss that hot date tonight," James remarked. Sirius groaned louder. "Aw, don't worry, mate. We'll go with you and get that sniveling little rat. Then you can meet up with your Ravenclaw blonde."

"I still can't help thinking meeting Snape won't end well." Sirius shook himself and headed up the stairs.

**Hope you liked it And a big welcome back to **Tasj the Mash master** who abandoned me to go on holiday...WOOOOOO! Welcome back school buddy... This chapter was written especially for you... **


	10. A LateNight Chat

**Sirius' Serious Squirrel Secret**

**Summary: **Charming, courageous, athletic, rebellious, and Hogwart's number one heartthrob: a reputation Sirius Black has cherished since First Year. Unfortunately for Sirius, his worst enemy overhears the one little secret that could ruin his reputation in an instant. The Marauders have to stop their enemy before the secret can spread through Hogwarts. If they fail, the perfect life as Sirius knows it will end.

**I am not J.K. Rowling. I do not own Sirius, James, Remus, Peter, Snape, or a large black dog. I did, however, write this chapter... **

**Chapter 10 – A Late-Night Chat**

The Marauders stumbled down the cold hallway under James' invisibility cloak. Their feet were still visible below the flapping edge, so they kept to the shadows. They had been lucky so far to miss any teachers, ghosts, or prefects.

"Here. Let's check this one," James whispered, tugging the others toward an open doorway. Faint torchlight shone from the dungeon onto the stone floor. As soon as they entered the room, they knew it was the right one.

"I could've heard your stomping feet coming from a kilometer away," a voice sneered from the dark corner. The Marauders didn't need to see Snape's face to recognize him.

James pulled the invisibility cloak off, revealing all four of them.

"And you brought the whole gang," Snape continued. "How predictable."

Sirius pointed his wand at Snape's greasy nose and growled, "I'll show you what's predictable."

Before Sirius could cast the hex, Remus slapped a hand over his mouth and swatted down his wand arm. Glowing sparks shot out the end of his wand and fizzled on the stone floor.

Snape smirked with confidence. "You wouldn't dare harm me, any of you."

"I wouldn't be so sure," Remus said. He tightened his hold on Sirius' arm. "I'd put my money on this one if I were a gambling man."

Snape's face hardened at the threat. "You wouldn't dare as long as I know Black's secret."

"Well, we could fix that," James said, twirling his wand between his fingers.

Sirius jerked away from Remus' muffling hand over his mouth. "Just one quick 'Obliviate' is all it'd take," he spat.

"Remus, you pay attention in Charms, right?" James asked, turning his head to watch Remus struggle with restraining Sirius. Peter wisely backed into the doorway for a quick escape if necessary. He didn't want to stay in the same room as them if an angry Sirius got loose.

"I'd rather not at the moment, considering…." Remus glared at Sirius as he tried for another lunge at Snape. "A little help would be appreciated, though." He moved his glare onto James.

He took the cue and grabbed Sirius' free arm. "You've had your time to goad, Snape. Why don't you just tell us what it is you want?" said James.

His words seemed to pop Snape's bubble of confidence. Snape immediately was on edge, nervously chewing his bottom lip. "You have to do whatever I want now." The Marauders showed no sign that they had heard him. Snape avoided their eyes and whispered, "I want you to teach me how to… charm girls."

Sirius stopped resisting Remus and James and burst out laughing, guffawing loudly at the request. James hoped the sound wouldn't carry to the rest of the school and bring a curious teacher. Thankfully, Sirius quickly ended the spate. With a grin on his lips, he said, "You may be a hopeless case, Snivellus, but you've come to the best in charming girls. I'll do it."

A disturbing smile spread across Snape's pale face. Sirius had the sudden desire to take back his words, but it was too late. "Good," Snape remarked, his smile growing ever wider. "The best teaching tool is that of a good model, correct? Then, the best thing now would be for you to show me yourself."

"Perfect. I've got a date right after we're done here."

"No, no, I'm afraid that won't work." A flash of irritation crossed Sirius' expression. "It has to be a harder challenge than that, Black, such as – oh… say Agnes Clark?"

"WHAT?" Sirius shouted.

"The gossip?" Remus questioned.

"The most annoying girl in the entire school?" Peter exclaimed.

"The one who slipped Sirius love potion in Third Year?" James gasped.

Breaking free from Remus and James, Sirius threw his hands into the air. "The one with the mole on her nose?"

"The very same," Snape gloated.

"She spread a rumour that I was a vampire," Remus said.

"Don't forget the time when she told every girl that I sleep with a teddy bear," put in Peter.

"And the big, fat mole," Sirius repeated.

James ignored him and remarked to Peter, "That's because you do sleep with a teddy, Peter. But what about when she used to sit with us at every meal just to talk to Sirius?"

Remus clenched his fists. "I don't dislike many, but I loathe that girl."

"The MOLE!"

"You mentioned that, Black." Snape shook his head, joy plain on his face. "No, it has to be Agnes Clark. None other."

"No, no, no. This won't work," Sirius continued to protest. "I already serenaded McGonagall today. Just take that for an example instead. That's enough confessing of love for at least the next three months!"

Snape grinned wider. "I'll expect you to make your move tomorrow morning. Be sure to express your undying love. I'll be watching." With nothing more to say, like a snake, he slipped past the four Marauders out the dungeon door.

~

A loud groan woke Remus, Peter, and James. A louder moan followed soon after.

"Is there a dog dying in here?" Peter mumbled from his bed.

James yanked the curtains around his bed open and jammed on his glasses. A large black dog lay on Sirius' bed. Its doleful eyes looked empty of all hope.

"Sirius, you're sure lucky no one else sleeps in this room or else they'd see you there," James grumbled to the dog.

The dog turned its eyes onto James and glared as best as a dog could before transforming into Sirius Black. "At least a dog doesn't have to confess love for Agnes Clark," he said.

"So, you're going to do it, then?" asked Remus.

"I don't have much choice, do I?" He looked to Remus as if hoping his friend would suddenly devise a cunning plan to get him out of the humiliating situation.

Peter stretched his back. "Well, you better do it like a Marauder, like James. Do it with _style_." He jumped to his feet on the bedspread. "Jump on the breakfast table and serenade Agnes like there's no tomorrow!"

Sirius didn't move a muscle except to set a menacing glare on the offender. "One more word, pipsqueak, and I'll throttle you," he growled through his teeth. Peter instantly sat down and stared at the ground, his cheery morning attitude quenched.

"You're a friendly puppy, today," James dared to say and quickly received the glare. "Don't look at me like that, Sirius. Pete's got a point. You might as well make the most of this and have fun with it. If you want, I could give you some tips from when I've told Lily of my love."

Sighing, Sirius gave up his glare. "No, thanks. I don't want to make this any bigger than it has to be. I'll just say what I have to say and be done with it."

"A wise decision, Padfoot," Remus remarked. "I didn't know you had it in you."

"Aw, thanks so much, Moony," Sirius replied sarcastically before pulling on a clean shirt. "I don't do stupid things _all_ the time, you know."

Remus smiled. "Just most of it."

**Hope you enjoyed it...And a big thanks to** GraceOfTheFlower **for reviewing and letting me know what she thinks **


	11. Puppy Love

**Sirius' Serious Squirrel Secret**

**Summary: **Charming, courageous, athletic, rebellious, and Hogwart's number one heartthrob: a reputation Sirius Black has cherished since First Year. Unfortunately for Sirius, his worst enemy overhears the one little secret that could ruin his reputation in an instant. The Marauders have to stop their enemy before the secret can spread through Hogwarts. If they fail, the perfect life as Sirius knows it will end.

**Chapter 11 – Puppy Love**

Sirius' plate was empty. Not even juicy, smoked ham could tempt him to eat. He had something else on his mind.

"I can't do it," he said, staring down at his plate.

"Eat?" Peter asked through a mouthful of toast.

"No," Sirius said slowly, trying to maintain calm. "I meant talk to Agnes. I can't do it."

"Of course you can do it," James reassured him from across the table. "She's already half in love with you as it is. Charming her will be a snap."

Sirius glared at James. "Charming her isn't the problem. The problem is… is… charming _her_."

But James did not hear the attempt of an explanation. He was already looking down the long table at one particular redheaded girl. "If only charming Lily was so easy," he sighed.

"Oh, get over yourselves," grumbled Remus. His face was paler than usual, even sickly-looking. "_I'm_ the one who has the date with Madame Pomfrey tonight."

"I didn't think staff could date students," Peter muttered, confused. Sirius gave him a quick punch on the shoulder. It worked exactly as he planned, silencing Peter instantly.

Pushing off from the table, Sirius stood up and announced, "I'm going."

James, Remus, and Peter stayed behind and watched Sirius walk down the table to where a girl with a mass of curly blonde hair sat several seats away.

Just as Sirius Black had a reputation around Hogwarts, so had Agnes Clark as the most talkative and opinionated girl in the entire school. She was the school gossip, not able to keep a secret for longer than five minutes before spilling it to anyone within hearing. In her five years at Hogwarts, she had made more enemies than friends because of her habit for talking about anything and everything that came her way. The friends she did manage to collect could hardly be called such. They endured her relentless chatter grudgingly and ignored most of what she said.

As Sirius approached her, she sat with a group of friends, trying to make herself included. The students talked louder and faster than normal to prevent Agnes from entering the conversation. But she was determined and took advantage of a split second pause one girl took to draw breath.

"Well, have you heard about Chelsea Murray and Timmy Cooper?" she interrupted, quickly changing the subject. "Oh, of course you haven't! Hardly anyone knows yet, it just happened, but I suppose I should stop teasing you. It's so juicy! Last night just after curfew, Chels and Tim were in the common room, alone in a corner, when he _kissed_ her. People have been talking about it for weeks and now it's official. Chels and Tim are a _couple_." She waited for a reaction, but none came. The boy next to her slowly edged farther away. The others simply stared at her or pretended to be suddenly interested in their breakfast. "But of course they're a terrible match," Agnes continued, wagging a finger in the air. "I've said it all along they'd be a terrible match. And I've got thirteen reasons to prove it, too. I wrote them all down last night after I saw the kiss. Firstly –"

Sirius grabbed her raised hand. This had the desired effect. Agnes shushed instantly and looked up at him in shock. The entire group at the table turned from Agnes and their plates to stare at him, too. He held her hand between both of his and cleared his throat.

"Er… I love you… and, um, you'll always be in my heart. Yeah."

For once, words did not spill from Agnes' mouth. A wide smile took over it, instead. Her eyes seemed to shimmer with tears of happiness. She was speechless.

Sirius abruptly dropped her hand and walked away. He wanted as far as possible away before she regained the ability to speak. The cluster of friends at the table watched him with wide eyes, each student trying to think of a reasonable answer to why the most eligible bachelor in Hogwarts would confess love for Agnes Clark.

~

The Marauders last class of the day was Herbology. As they passed through the halls on their way outside, Sirius noticed several groups of girls clustered together whispering. They would not so subtly stare at him as he walked by, continuing to whisper in hurried murmurs to each other.

"Looks like Agnes got her story around pretty quick," James observed.

"Doesn't she always?" asked Remus, still looking ill enough to collapse at any moment.

James laughed and punched Sirius in the shoulder. "Well, there goes your chances with Claire, mate."

Sirius shrugged. "Eh. Last night wasn't such a great date, anyway."

"What do you mean?"

"Oh, it was okay, I guess," sighed Sirius. "But there wasn't, you know, a… spark."

Remus scratched his chin. "Huh. What did you guys do? Can I ask?"

"Ha!" Sirius barked. "We talked. That's all she wanted to do. Just talk, talk, talk…" He let his head fall forward and faked a snore.

"Speaking of the devil," Peter interrupted, jerking a thumb over his shoulder, "she's following us again."

All four Marauders glanced behind them to see a head of curly blonde hair quickly hide behind a suit of armor. Slowly, Agnes peeked out again and, meeting Sirius' eyes, shot him a coy smile. He rolled his eyes as she then proceeded to blow him a kiss.

"Will she never give up?" he growled, walking off again.

"Give her a break, Padfoot," said James, struggling to keep a straight face. "She's in love."

~

"Quick, James! In here!" Sirius pushed a tapestry aside to reveal another of Hogwart's secret passages.

James followed albeit reluctantly. "Really, Sirius, we've used nearly every hidden passage that we know of. I think we lost her at that statue of Bodwin the Hideous. She can't possibly find us now."

Sirius peeked from behind the tapestry into the hall they had just left. "Don't underestimate her, James. The fact she managed to follow us as far as Bodwin is enough to have me worried." His wide eyes turned to settle on James. "What if she knows this castle better than _we_ do?"

"Don't be ridiculous," James scoffed. "_No one_ knows Hogwarts like we do. Let's just go to the dormitory. You can hide out there."

"Okay… if you're sure…"

"Of course I'm sure!" James drew himself up to the tallest height he could manage. "I am James Potter."

Sirius relaxed a little under the influence of his friend's arrogance. Five minutes later, they entered the Gryffindor common room and tactfully escaped to their dormitory without incident. But as Sirius opened the door with a sigh of relief, curly blonde hair filled his vision. Agnes had herself wrapped around him before he could take a step backward let alone run.

James watched on, preferring to savor the moment rather than interrupt. He knew it would be useful for teasing later on. Meanwhile, Sirius flailed his arms pitifully to free himself from Agnes' hold.

"I looked _everywhere_ for you, Sirius!" Agnes exclaimed, her arms still around him in a death grip. "I knew you'd come here sooner or later. I waited and waited because I knew you'd be here and want to see me. Oh, I've missed you so much. But now you're here. Oh, we have so much to talk about. We should go for a walk or sit by the fire. _Anything_ but here. Your room stinks like old trainers. But I waited anyway because you were coming back. So, what'll it be? Oh! What if we –"

"Geroffme!"

Shocked, Agnes stopped in the middle of her sentence and stumbled back a few steps. "Something wrong?"

"Lots of things. At the moment, you come at the top of the list. Congratulations. I only said those things this morning because someone made me. Now will you leave me alone?"

"You… you don't love me?" She found her answer in Sirius' face. Immediately, her own face scrunched up like a girlish paper ball. Sirius recognized the signs of a deluge and groaned. He was spared the guilt of making a girl cry, however, as Agnes choked back the tears and instead rushed down the stairs without another word. In her distress, she dropped a folded piece of parchment.

Sirius stomped into the dormitory and fell on his bed, leaving James behind to pick up the paper. James expected a humorous love note he could use for further teasing but was sadly disappointed by a certain Slytherin's handwriting.

"Get a load of this." His friend grunted from the bed in response. Assuming Sirius was listening, James read aloud, "'After that pitiful performance this morning, I should reveal your secret immediately. However, I will give you another chance to redeem yourself. Meet me alone. Same place. Same time.'"

"Signed by our lovely Slytherin friend, of course," Sirius added scoffingly.

"You'd almost think he's enjoying himself." Jaames paused to reread the note. "You know, that signature could condemn him. If we show this note to McGonagall, maybe he'd get expelled."

"He wouldn't," Sirius sighed. "Blackmail's only worth forty points tops."

"How do you know that?"

Sirius looked up from the bed. "Remember third year?"

"Oh, right. Timmy Cooper. He was pretty embarrassed about that foot fungus."

"This is between Snape and I now. I'm not running to McGonagall. Besides, then she'd know why I serenaded her."

James lifted an eyebrow. "Wouldn't that be a good thing?"

"But it's so much more fun to keep her guessing," Sirius replied with a laugh.

His friend didn't know how to respond and was about to say absolutely nothing when he was interrupted by the appearance of Remus and Peter.

"Oh, there you are!" said Remus, entering the dormitory with Peter following close behind.

James did not waste words and promptly held Snape's note out for them to see.

"Another meeting?" Peter blurted as soon as he finished reading.  
>Remus glanced out of the west-facing window. "Tonight's a full moon." The sun was already sinking toward the horizon.<p>

"Don't worry about it," said Sirius confidently. "I'll catch up with you three after I find out what Snivellus wants."

"Wait a minute. You're not going alone," James quickly replied. "Peter and I will go under the cloak."

But Sirius shook his head in determination. "No, you won't. Last time, he _heard_ all of us coming from down the hall. The cloak would do no good. The note says to meet him alone, so I'm going alone. I can handle him on my own."

Remus gave a short, harsh laugh. "Last time, you wanted to erase Snape's memory. After today's experience with Agnes, I'd be surprised if you didn't kill Snape when left without supervision." He looked again at the sunset. "Have it your way. I need to meet Madam Pomfrey. If you do kill someone, just know I won't be there to defend you and you'll be spending a long time in Azkaban." He turned his eyes on Sirius with a serious look.

James grabbed his invisibility cloak from his trunk and stuffed it into his bookbag for later. "We'll go with you to the Hospital Wing," he told Remus. "Dinner will be starting soon, anyway. Peter and I will meet you at the shack and Sirius can find us later."

Standing up from his bed, Sirius nodded in approval to the plan and led the four out.

**Hope you liked it... Will update tomorrow, two more chapters to go!**


	12. Black Betrayal

**Sirius' Serious Squirrel Secret**

**Summary: **Charming, courageous, athletic, rebellious, and Hogwart's number one heartthrob: a reputation Sirius Black has cherished since First Year. Unfortunately for Sirius, his worst enemy overhears the one little secret that could ruin his reputation in an instant. The Marauders have to stop their enemy before the secret can spread through Hogwarts. If they fail, the perfect life as Sirius knows it will end.

**Thanks for the reviews Hope everyone enjoys this chappie...**

**Chapter 12 – Black Betrayal**

After dessert vanished from the golden dinner plates, Sirius left James and Peter to head for the dungeons. He quickly disappeared among the crowd of students. James pulled out his cloak as soon as Sirius was gone from sight.

"He shouldn't go by himself," he told Peter.

"But he doesn't want help. You heard him earlier," Peter replied. "Sirius can handle himself. I mean, have you seen his muscles lately?"

"He'll thank me later." James stood up from the table.

Peter grabbed his arm but quickly let go with a wince. "But what should I do?" Peter asked worriedly, cradling his still-sore wrist.

"Go ahead and wait by the willow. We'll be there soon," James said as he walked away.

Peter tried to protest further but lost James amid the students leaving. With a sigh, he slumped back down on the wooden bench and rested his chin on a pudgy fist. He would wait until most of the Great Hall had emptied before attempting to sneak out the front doors. Curfew was soon, after all, and any rule-abiding teacher would be sure to prevent him from slipping outside. He absentmindedly tried to balance a spoon on his nose while he waited and happened to look across to the Slytherin table. Two ghoulish Slytherins watched him with matching menacing grins. Perhaps it was fear, a quick petrificus totalus, or a combination of the two that instantly froze Peter in his seat. To Peter, it didn't matter much the reason why but more the mere fact that the two goons had stood up and he could do nothing to run. Even his mind had seemed to stop functioning. He could only think of one clear word: Dang. On the upside, the golden spoon on his nose hung perfectly still.

~

Sirius checked to make sure no one watched him. Satisfied no one cared to look his way, he headed down the stone steps to the dungeons. The cold air gripped him as soon as he jumped off the last stair. For a moment, he thought he had heard a gasp from somewhere over his right shoulder. He paused but heard nothing else. Shrugging it off, he continued down the hall to meet Snape.

Following him, James internally scolded himself for being so careless. The sudden cold nearly blew his cover. Literally. Not only had he gasped, but his violently shivering arms had been close to throwing off the invisibility cloak altogether and revealing himself to Sirius. As they approached the conference dungeon, Sirius and James could hear Snape's impatiently tapping foot echo from the stone walls. Sirius quickened his pace. James struggled to keep up while maintaining silence.

"You came," said Snape once Sirius appeared at the door. His foot stopped tapping.

"Well, obviously." Sirius stalked into the room but kept his distance from his blackmailer. "I couldn't miss our date, could I?"

Snape narrowed his eyes. "Enough fun and games. It's time to get serious."

"Oh, but I beat you there," Sirius replied mockingly. "I'm already Sirius."

"That joke got old years ago, Black." Snape paused for a moment, glancing out a small grate near the ceiling of the dungeon. A glint of moonlight streamed through. "I noticed Lupin was missing from dinner again. Where is he?"

"Visiting his ill mum. He's the only one who can calm her down," Sirius automatically answered with the usual cover-up story. "His voice is very soothing. You've heard him read the textbook in History. Right put me to sleep last week."

Snape shook his head. "I may not be a Legilimens but I can tell when someone's lying. Every time Lupin disappears, you other three sneak off after curfew, and it's not to visit his mum. I've seen him walking from the castle with Pomfrey."

Sirius covered his anxiety with a laugh. "Been stalking us, Snivellus?"

"Something is up and I want to know what," Snape sneered. "Where does Lupin go every month?"

Under the cloak, James held his breath, waiting for Sirius' response. Every moment that passed made James more uncertain of what he might say. Is Sirius' secret really more important than Remus'? James wondered to himself.

"Fine," Sirius finally broke the silence. "You want to know? Find out for yourself. Go to the Whomping Willow. There's a knot on the trunk that freezes the branches. Poke it with a long stick and go down the tunnel between the roots. Then you'll know."

James' stomach lurched. He had his answer.

"The Willow?" Snape asked with a little doubt.

Sirius chuckled, already backing out the dungeon door. "Have fun."

~

James waited until he had followed Sirius far enough down the hall that Snape would not overhear them. Yanking off the invisibility cloak with one hand, he shoved Sirius through an open door with the other.

"Are you out of your bloody mind?" he shouted.

Sirius rolled his eyes. "I should've known you'd follow me."

"For good reason, Black! You sold out Remus and now Snape's going to see him."

"And I hope the git gets torn to shreds," Sirius added. "Snape had it coming —"

Someone grunted in the hall. Heavy footsteps echoed along the hallway. James leapt forward and clamped Sirius' mouth shut.

"Where you headed, Snape?" a low voice spoke.

There was a short, indistinct reply.

"Sure you don't want to join in on some fun? We just caught this scum in the Great Hall."

"The stupid kid was just sitting there playing with a spoon," a second voice put in. "He's the one always trailing Potter and Black, you know?"

Sirius peeled James' hands away. "Where's Peter?" he whispered.

James pointed his wand at the open doorway. "Out there."

One set of footsteps faded away while two others grew closer.

James inched towards the door. "Let's wait until they pass here…"

"And then surprise them," Sirius finished, drawing his wand.

"Did you hear that?" asked the low voice from the hall. The footsteps stopped.

Sirius looked to James. "I swear I whispered."

"Now!" James yelled and charged into the hall. He fired a quick stunning spell at the first figure he saw: a pudgy boy carried between two muscled Slytherin goons. Peter fell to the ground limp as the shocked Slytherins dropped him to grab for their wands.

They reacted too late. One waved his wand uselessly, his tongue tied in a fat knot. The other sprouted tentacles on his face and landed next to Peter when invisible bonds forced his legs together.

Sirius smirked, his wand still aimed and ready. "Now that's how you throw a jinx, Prongs old boy."

James shook his head, still too upset to laugh, and hurled another "Stupefy!" at the tongue-tied Slytherin. "Since you're so bloody great at spells, you can deal with this mess," James grumbled after the Slytherin had collapsed on top of his fishy friend. He stepped over the boys and hurried down the hall. "Take Peter to the dorm. I have to save a slimy git's life."

The entrance hall was empty. The students had long since retreated to their respective houses for the night. Knowing Snape would have headed directly to the Willow, James rushed across to the massive doors.

"Oh, Potty-poo, what's this?"

James stumbled to a stop and whirled around, dreading what he'd see.

"Sneakin' out? Runnin' away?" Peeves mocked with an evil grin. He floated by the hall leading to the kitchens and Hufflepuff house, his arms full of something James couldn't quite see. "Leaving and not saying goodbye, were you?" He floated closer.

"Peeves, I don't have time for this," James started, frustrated.

"No time for Peeves!" the poltergeist roared, soaring forward. James walked backward, now seeing the muffins piled in Peeves' arms. "No one has time for Peeves!"

Smoke spewed from Peeves' ears. James made a desperate break for the doors, knowing the worst was coming. A blueberry muffin bounced off the back of his head. Crumbs clung to his well-groomed hair. Within seconds, the entrance hall was a hailstorm of pelting muffins. Peeves cackled manically from above. James dived forward and yanked the doors open, heaving them closed behind him.

Safe. He sighed in relief. James had never seen Peeves take anything in life seriously, much less outright fuming.

"And to think I used to admire him," James muttered to himself.

He jogged off to the Whomping Willow, hoping Snape had not yet reached the tunnel. Clouds hid the full moon. At the very least, Remus may have not yet turned and would be able to warn off Snape in time. Distracted by the different possibilities, James tripped on a root.

"Oh, who am I kidding?" He didn't move from where he fell. "Snape's gonna die. Remus will be locked up for the rest of his life. Sirius will be forced into hiding after betraying his friends. Peter will die of heartbreak, and I will become a depressed loner shunned by the world."

James closed his eyes. Grass rustled somewhere nearby, and in the quiet night, James heard chattering. He snapped his eyes open. A foot away, a squirrel sat motionlessly on its hind legs.

"We wouldn't be in this trouble if it weren't for you," James grumbled. "I'll never understand how Sirius sees you so terrifying."

The squirrel cocked its head to the side and seemed to smile at him. James then noticed the sharp fangs. He reeled backwards just as the monster lunged. He hurried to get away without thinking about where his feet took him.

Air whooshed overhead. James ducked as a willow branch swept through the air again. He rushed out of the willow's reach and snatched up a stone. He imagined throwing the quaffle for a goal through the Slytherin keeper's outstretched arms. The stone sailed perfectly through and hit the knot to freeze the tree. Smirking, James headed for the tunnel entrance but was stopped by a sudden weight on his leg. The squirrel was back. It dug its claws into his trousers, chattering madly.

"Aguamenti!" shouted James, sending a blast of water at the squirrel with the first spell to come to mind.

The drenched squirrel jumped off and disappeared among the tree roots. With no more time to waste, James scrambled into the tunnel.

**OMG ...ONE MORE CHAPTER TO GO Anyway...hope you liked it...and don't forget to review!**


	13. Confessions

**Sirius' Serious Squirrel Secret**

**Summary: **Charming, courageous, athletic, rebellious, and Hogwart's number one heartthrob: a reputation Sirius Black has cherished since First Year. Unfortunately for Sirius, his worst enemy overhears the one little secret that could ruin his reputation in an instant. The Marauders have to stop their enemy before the secret can spread through Hogwarts. If they fail, the perfect life as Sirius knows it will end.

**Drumroll please. It's the final mile of Sirius' heart pounding journey. Will James stop Snape in time? Will Snape give up the plot-driving secret? Can you stand the suspense?**

**Anyway, onto the story...**

**Chapter 13 – Confessions**

"Wait!"

Snape turned at James' shout. "What are you doing here?" he hissed, crouched near the opening to Remus' shack. "Come to stop me?"

"And save your life or whatever," James added with a shrug.

"Save my life? What are you on about?"

"Thought I'd try something new, you know? You can greet the hungry werewolf in there if you want but it won't be pretty."

Snape's eyes widened. "A werewolf?"

"Yes! Congratulations on picking that up." James paused to throw back his shoulders and stand a little straighter. "Don't worry. The professional's here and has the situation under control."

A growl interrupted his confident speech.

"What's that smell?" Snape whispered.

"Which one?" James asked back. "I'm wearing a very nice cologne my mum gave me. Your hair, on the other hand, smells like a dead rodent."

Snape decided to ignore the obvious insult. "No. It smells like… blueberries."

James rolled his eyes. "Oh, that. Peeves barraged me with muffins on my way here to rescue you. Some of 'em might've been blueberry."

"Did you know the one thing werewolves crave more than fresh meat is blueberries?"

In the shack, Remus stopped chewing a chair leg and sniffed the air.

"Aiiiiwoooah!" he howled.

James pointed his wand down the tunnel to Hogwarts. "Um… I would suggest you run now."

"Good idea," Snape muttered and, without looking back, slithered into the darkness.

"Creeepyyy…" James shuddered and aimed his wand at the shack's entrance. "Protego!"

A moment later, Remus came sniffing into view and bounded towards James. He promptly bounced off the charmed shield like a tennis ball against a wall. Except this tennis ball was furrier and more fanged.

"That should hold you for a while," James mused and politely bowed to the now-enraged werewolf before following after the snake-like Snape.

~

James chased Snape all the way back to Hogwarts, pestering him about keeping Remus' secret.

"And if you don't," he added, "I'll – I'll scourgify your face!"

But James realized he didn't need to worry as soon as they entered the castle. Dumbledore waited before the doors in a squashy lounge chair.

"Ah, there you are," he said softly. "I just had a fascinating chat with Peeves and thought I'd stay here to see your return."

"Thank goodness!" James exclaimed. "I told Snape he can't say anything about Remus. You tell him. Tell him he'll be kicked out if he does."

Snape pushed in front of James for Dumbledore's attention. "Me kicked out? Sirius Black is the one who should be expelled. He tried to kill me! And Potter here was probably in on it, too."

Dumbledore smiled sagely (and perhaps with a hint of senility) as the two fought to tell their version of the story. "Well, the best place to begin is always the beginning. Why don't you try that and take turns?"

James and Snape did their best. By the end, Dumbedore was nodding along (still looking slightly out of touch with reality).

"Now everything is clear," he said. "You have both risked your lives tonight as well as broken curfew. That was very irresponsible. Severus, you now know Remus' poor condition. I trust you will understand why it is important it remains a secret. Will you promise to not share tonight's events with anyone else?"

Snape gritted his teeth. "I swear, Professor."

Dumbledore smiled and clapped his hands. "Good! As for you, James, I know you would have told someone else by now if you intended to. For keeping Remus' secret and displaying uncommon bravery to save a fellow student, I grant you fifty points for Gryffindor."

"Fifty?" the two shouted. James did a small dance. Snape insisted Dumbledore change his mind.

But Dumbledore would not be convinced otherwise. "Off to bed," he said. "I have a sudden appetite for blueberry muffins and must check if the house elves have any in the kitchen."

Snape glared at James as Dumbledore walked away. James grinned back.

"You can thank me now for saving your life."

"You only wanted to save yourself from trouble," Snape hissed and headed for the dungeons. "Tomorrow, Black's secret goes public."

James shook his head and left for his own dormitory. Sirius waited there with an unconscious Peter and, despite the night's events, Remus couldn't be left alone to chew on chair legs while locked in his shack. With a werewolf to look after, James decided to wait until morning to tell Sirius Snape's threat. They collapsed on their beds just after dawn to the tune of Peter's heavy snores.

~

"So, what is the plan, mate?"

The Marauders minus Remus were walking to breakfast. Of course, a mere hour of sleep did not contribute to Sirius' mood.

"Plan? There's a plan?" Sirius shouted, stopping in the hall. "Snape; nasty, dirty Snivellus; is going to reveal my secret to the whole school! My life is ruined!"

"Oh, come on; don't say you didn't see this coming. He was bound to let the cat out of the bag eventually."

"There's a cat?" Sirius shouted louder still.

Peter sighed and tugged on his sleeve, pulling Sirius along to breakfast. "We tried everything else, Padfoot, but your secret's getting out one way or another."

"The question is," interrupted James, "whether you'd rather have Snape tell it and suffer the humiliating consequences or do it yourself and suffer the possibly even worse consequences but at least give the rest of us a good laugh."

"You can't be serious," said Sirius stiffly.

"Of course not. You're Sirius."

The other Marauders ignored James' old joke.

"Maybe it won't be as bad as you think," Peter put in hopefully.

They entered the Great Hall a few minutes later. Sirius glanced around and thought there looked to be more students than usual at breakfast. He followed his friends to some of the few empty seats at the Gryffindor table.

Before he could sit, James nudged him in the side. "Better get it over with, Padfoot. No better time than the present, eh?"

Peter nodded along with a broad grin.

Gritting his teeth, Sirius took the advice and stood on the wooden bench. He looked to the Slytherin table from his new height. Snape watched him with narrowed eyes and frowned, waiting to see what would happen.

"Attention, Hogwarts!" Sirius bellowed to the hall. "I have an announcement!"

Startled students stopped their conversations and turned around in their seats. The teachers present at the head table looked up from their food. Professor McGonagall stood up, ready to swiftly escort Sirius from the hall if he began another ballad. Sirius ignored her. Satisfied he had everyone's attention, he made a snap judgment and kicked aside a bowl of blueberry muffins. He leapt onto the table and raised his arms in the air.

"I, Sirius Black, have an intense fear of squirrels."

With that, he let his head drop dramatically down to his chest, his arms still aloft, and awaited his audience's response. The hall was still for a heartbeat and then someone chuckled softly. The laughter spread through the students until the whole hall echoed with hearty amusement. Sirius chanced a peek and let his arms fall when he saw the friendly smiles. James and Peter beamed up at him. Reassured, Sirius sat down between them. At the head table, Professor McGonagall sighed and relaxed. The laughs faded away as students resumed their personal conversations.

Nearby, someone joked, "That Sirius, he's always saying the most random of things."

"I know what you mean," someone else responded. "Like we're going to believe little squirrels scare the great Sirius Black. No way!"

Sirius stared down the house tables and noticed several of his classmates shaking their heads in disbelief. A tap on his shoulder distracted him. A group of five girls stood behind him. Sirius recognized them as Gryffindor fourth-year friends who liked to sit by the common room windows and giggle.

"We think it was so brave of you to tell everyone your deepest fear," said one tall brunette, stepping forward. The others nodded and made noises of agreement. Already, more girls from Gryffindor as well as the other houses began to join them. Sirius thought he even saw one sly-eyed Slytherin among the bunch.

"Not many boys are secure enough to show their soft side," one of the Hufflepuffs sighed.

Some others murmured words like "poor baby" and "sweet cupcake".

Sirius watched astonished as a slender seventh-year squeezed onto the bench next to him, pushing Peter to the side. With wide eyes, she clutched at his arm.

"Chipmunks terrify me," she whispered.

Sirius leaned in closer. "We could take a walk sometime. I'd handle the chipmunks if you took out the squirrels for me."

The girl's eyes filled with tears. "That sounds romantic," she sniffed.

The surrounding girls disagreed, each eager to have a bit of the tender-hearted Sirius for herself. Several offered their own protective services. Within minutes, a new Squirrel Pest Elimination Welfare (or more easily remembered as S.P.E.W.) had been formed.

"First meeting next Tuesday!" Sirius called out as the crowd dispersed for classes. Grinning, he turned to James and Peter. "Maybe next week I should tell them about my teddy bear."

"But you don't have a teddy bear," said Peter.

Sirius shrugged. "I could get one. Yours, for instance."

Next to Sirius, James tore his eyes away from a certain red-head who had not joined the group surrounding his best mate. He wore a smug smile. "Bad move, Sirius. You'd be _buried_ in girls."

If possible, Sirius' grin widened. "Maybe I will, then."

"But what shall we do with our dear friend over there?" James tilted his head towards the Slytherin table where a furious Severus Snape viciously stabbed a sausage into ground pulp. "I'm thinking a simple transfiguration of those old school robes. So plain, you know. Perhaps a girl's glittering pink dress robes?"

"With lace," Sirius added," and frills. Lots of frills."

"And a bow for the hair?"

"Perfect."

**So...? What did you think? Can you believe Sirius actually told everyone and they didn't believe him? Last chapter...sad face Thanks to all of you who reviewed, and to the others who just read... YOU ALL ROCK! Don't forget to review this chapter, even though the story is finished, and if you're looking for a story, go onto my profile where I have two other stories. Thanks again... Until next time...**


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